


Saving Grace

by Juxtarose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angelic Grace, Awkward Castiel, BDSM, BDSM Scene, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Bottom Dean, Bottoming from the Top, Bunker, Bunker Fluff, Bunker Sex, Cannon?, Castiel and Dean in Love, Castiel asks a favor, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel muses, Castiel's Handprint, Castiel/Dean Winchester BDSM, Coming Out, Crying Castiel, Dean and Castiel take a bath together, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is angsty, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Food Porn, Foot Massage, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Mark of Cain, Men of Letters Bunker, Morning After, Morning Sex, No I mean Dean is Really bad at feelings, Oral Sex, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Denial, POV Castiel, POV Dean Winchester, Pancakes, Panty Kink, Sam walks in on them during sex, Sex, Smut, Soulmates, Spaghetti, Top Castiel, Top Dean Winchester, Topping from the Bottom, True Love, dirty boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:00:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4762598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juxtarose/pseuds/Juxtarose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's screwed a lot of things up in his life from his ex-girlfriends to causing the apocalypse. Now that he's freed himself from the mark of Cain and he has some down time, he feels guilty. That's why when Castiel comes to him with a pretty life-altering request, he agrees. </p><p>Yeah. That's why. There couldn't be any other reason he would agree to, um, that.</p><p>Oh yeah, and for the record, this is mostly fluff and smut, the violence depicted isn't all that bad, and everything mostly is ok so far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> *Spoiler alert* takes place after the events of Season 10.
> 
> Disclaimer- I don't own anybody. I'll be updating this as I can. I apologize if it gets a little erratic. I'm trying to write other things as well, plus work and life, so things might not always be on a regular timer. Feedback is absolutely welcome and it keeps me going.

Dean lay on his bed staring at the ceiling throwing a baseball in the air and catching it just before it struck his forehead replaying the events of the last year in his mind. It had been an absolute nightmare. The mark, the burning itching searing pain deep in his arm, fighting the urges to feel blood trickling down his hands. It took everything in him to not kill his brother, and Castiel.

Toss, wait, catch. Castiel was his best friend, and he had beaten the crap out of him when he was trying to help him. Cas had told him that they were even now after saving him from the attack dog spell. He'd said that they were even after beating the crap out of each other. Once at the hands of Castiel during Namoi's brainwashing. Once at the hands of Dean in a rage during the mark's influence after he single handedly killed all of the Steins. He said they were even in the immense guilt they both felt after everything that had come between them, but that make him feel any better.

He still saw the other man's face dejected and covered in blood every time he looked in the mirror. He'd told him he couldn't bear to be the one to watch him murder the world, and that might have been the only thing that saved Sam's life the day Death called for him. He blamed himself for the sheer rage Castiel had endured with the Attack Dog Spell. It had almost destroyed him, and it would have, if he had been human, if he hadn't gotten the last shreds of his Grace back. If he hadn't, he would have been destroyed in a matter of minutes, not the weeks it took them to cure him.

Toss, wait, catch. He'd vowed to himself never to hurt the man again, and he would do anything in his power to make sure that he never did in any way. Part of him thought on some horrible level, that the only reason Castiel was able to be influenced with the spell was because of him. It was his fault he had been human and gained emotion. It was his fault that he had beaten the man bad enough to choke on his own blood.

In the long run he knew everything was his fault. He'd never wanted to hurt the man, and he was sure that simple fact had somehow held him back from the point of no return more than once in the past. He didn't kill his own brother when Death wanted him to was not because he couldn't bear the thought of killing Sam, but because of how it would have let Castiel down again by succumbing to the mark.

He'd begged him not to give in, and the words still stung as they played in his mind. "Dean stop." He replayed the memories of pulling the Angel blade away from his friend's hand, out from his sleeve as he lay choking on his own blood trying to defend himself against him. "No. Dean. Please." he had begged weakly, the words echoed in his mind. The same words he heard his friend call as he grabbed his hand begging him not to kill him. That single request had been possibly the most horrifying thing he had ever heard in his life. He might have ended his life had it not been for that plea. He might have ended Sam or the world if it hadn't been for that plea.

Toss, wait, catch. The mark had tried to make him kill Cas that day, but he couldn't let it, the Angel just meant too much to him, and just at the last second he was able to push the Angel blade far enough to the side that he missed. He knew what happened, but played it off as a menacing threat."You and Sam stay the hell away from me. Next time I won't miss." He wasn't sure he would have the strength not to kill him again at the time so he left.

The mark was gone now, but he still couldn't get over feeling like they had screwed up more than they could fix this time. Now with the darkness released, the whole can of worms he had been trying to bar shut had been opened and they had no idea what the ramifications were and had yet to find out.

Toss, wait, catch. Hearing a knock at the door as it was pushed open, he pulled himself out of his angst as he became aware of the presence at the entrance of his new bedroom. "What's up Cas?" Speak of the Devil. Er- Angel. That sure was a friggin stupid expression he thought to himself.

"Dean I wish to talk. " Castiel replied with that unreadable confused-eager-scared- hopefully-hurt-inspired-overwhelmed look he was always wearing, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the next as he attempted to pull him into conversation, stupid trench coat hanging from his shoulders as awkwardly as ever. Dean made a fist around the baseball and swallowed as his friend stepped gingerly into the room and his heart jumped into his chest.

"Well I kinda figured that when you came in here. " Dean lifted his head sat up, turning his legs to rest his feet on the floor as he sat on the side of the bed. He patted the bed next to him, motioning for Cas to sit down next to him silently.

Dean watched as Castiel took a breath, struggling with himself as he hesitated before sitting down next to him stiffly on the edge of the bed. Seeing the momentary internal struggle as he fought to decide whether or not to sit or not, Dean hated himself, convinced that Cas was afraid of him, had every right to be after this last year and it was all his own fault for being a total dumbass.

"Dean I believe I am in need of some assistance." Cas managed he folded his hands in his lap as he spoke. Dean took a breath and set the baseball on the night stand. He had expected this was coming honestly.

"Anything Cas. Sam and I are always willing to do anything for you. You're family man." Cas grimaced slightly at that statement. So, Dean thought to himself, apparently Cas didn't want to have a former demon as family. It hurt, it wasn't exactly unexpected, or undeserved, but it still hurt.

"You do not understand. I am in need of your assistance. Sam would have no part in this." Castiel stared at a spot in the floor as his hands gripped the edge of the bed and he shook his head slightly and swallowed. " I had purposely waited until Sam was gone to speak with you about this."

"Uh. OK. Sam's out at some French subtitled movie or whatever, so it's just you and me... So talk." Dean stammered, confused. He was expecting this to be the part where he got his ass handed to him on a platter or something, but Castiel's behavior didn't seem to elude to that. Normally if Cas needed help with something, it was usually a big enough task, and we're talking literally biblical, that Sam's assistance would be needed, possibly others as well. Still though, he owed the man big time after what he did, and he would do anything to help his friend. Assuming the other man thought of him as such still.

Cas looked up from the spot on the floor "I have some of my grace back. It's not its former glory, only small shreds of it remain, the rest destroyed in when the doors of heaven were closed, but it's mine, and it's holding." Cas looked into Dean's eyes with a small smile for a moment then looked away again, back to that same spot on the floor. It had been a while since Dean had seen the other man smile, and it occurred to him how much he had missed it.

"Though it makes me happy, I still feel like much of it is missing, and I believe I may be able to strengthen it. To rebuild it if you will. I know what I need in order to help it recover, but it's not something that I can do alone, nor will it be a quick solution." Dean watched as Castiel fidgeted on the bed, seeming to be fighting with himself on something, smile gone as quickly as it had arrived. He truly wanted to help his friend and he would honestly give anything to help keep a smile on his face, but he couldn't help but be a little nervous wondering what he was getting himself into.

The hell with it he thought. He'd promised himself, and he wasn't going to break it. Besides he could never say no to those sad blue eyes always lost in the chaos of his new human emotion. "I said I'd do anything Cas, and I meant it. Just tell me what to do. I'm sure that we can find it man."

"Dean, I-" Cas shook his head. "It's not a matter of locating the remains. It's gone, and the only option remaining is to rebuild what is remaining of it. Normally when an angel has their grace battered and torn to this level of extreme, they can replenish themselves by basking in God's glory. Unfortunately, no one has seen him in about two thousand years, so that one is not an option." Cas sighed and looked up at the celing. "Dean I don't know if this will work or not but it is the only thing I can think of."

"Cas?" Dean asked, growing nervous about where this was going.

"Dean I want you to know that if you say no, that is ok." Cas glanced quickly at Dean with a weak smile for reassurance. It didn't work.

"Cas I already said I'd help you dammit, just tell me what it is you need me to do!" Dean blurted as Cas looked away, back to that same spot on the damn floor again. That must have been one hell of a spot on the floor to hold Cas's attention like that Dean mused to himself.

"I need love."

Dean coughed. "Like April?" This was not exactly what he was anticipating.

"No. Dean. April- She- tricked me, took advantage of me, and then literally killed me. There was nothing in that that resembled love." He spat angrily. "Truth be told, I only went along with anything she suggested that day because I wanted to impress you. I didn't have the heart to tell you that I only really made it to third base. I believe that is the correct term for oral sex, am I right?"

"Uh- Yeah dude." He rubbed his head in discomfort. This was not exactly where he was expecting the topic to go. "Sorry, I didn't know that you were that upset about it. I mean you came bragging to me afterward, even after you died. I guess I just thought you were ok with what happened." He paused with a sigh before continuing. "Really you did that to try to impress me?" Shit, yet another way he hurt Cas, and he hadn't even had any idea.

"I greatly value your opinion. I always have wanted to impress you and I likely always will. Though I regret what transpired, nor would I do it again, I am ok." Dean studied the Angel's face, surprised to see no anger, simply, slightly hopeful.

"Oh... What about an Angel though? Or someone like Meg? Or something, I mean I know a lot of the other angels seem to be interested, don't you think that would work?"

"The type of love I require is not of just the physical sense, the type of love I'm talking about is emotional love found when two are devoted completely to each other. Physical intimacy would however amplify the process just like it does when humans are intimate with eachother. " Ok. This wasn't awkward at all. How the hell was he supposed to find him love. Who did he think he was, a cupid? Why couldn't he ask an actual cupid for this?

He kicked himself mentally. Literally two minutes ago he goes and promises himself he'll help Cas with anything he needs, and he goes and backpedals before he can even try. Hell, it wasn't like he hadn't had these exact thoughts before on his own. Crap this was nerve-wracking. Just play it off. Yeah, that's what he would do, just play it off. "Don't worry man. We'll find you someone." He said with a pat on the man's back jerking away abruptly when he realized his fingers lingered just a little too long. "I can install a dating app on your phone and I'm sure you'll find someone."

"I don't need just someone. I need a very specific person. That's why Sam can't be involved. I need someone I can give myself to fully and completely, and have the same in return. I believe that will be the only way to fully regenerate my grace." Cas swallowed and looked uncomfortably up at the ceiling as if it held some magical answer.

"I'm not explaining this correctly. When love is shared between humans, parts of their souls are shared with each other." Seriously? Was Cas giving him the sex talk? Was this actually happening right now? He was getting the sex talk from Cas of all people right now wasn't he? "Touching a human's soul can charge an Angel's grace, but my grace is weak enough that I can't even reach in, no matter how gingerly. It would have to be given freely with consent and love."

"Like I said, we'll find you someone." He patted the man on the shoulder as reassuringly as he could muster, unable to determine who he was trying to reassure anymore.

"I already have someone in mind."

"Yeah? Who's that? Need help charming her?" Dean smiled, wondering if he could play Cyrano de Bergerac for some chick Castiel was into. Didn't know but he's sure as hell try. Wait, could you do something 'sure as hell' when it involved Heaven and Angels?

"No, Dean." Cas shook his head frustration creeping onto his face, pulling him out of his momentary musing.

"Dude, who is it? If you don't want to tell me who it is then why did you ask me for help in the first place?" Dean snapped, not exactly sure why he was starting to feel so anxious with this conversation.

Cas looked back up at Dean again with a sad smile. "It's you. Dean, I love you."

And there it was, he had known and seen this coming, hell even wanted on some level. But he wasn't ready to admit it, and here he was just foisting it upon him as if it were just the most casual thing in the world, ok not really the man was kind of tightly wound. Maybe this was just a tragic mistranslation from Enochian to English or something. Maybe he was just misunderstanding what Cas was saying, that happened sometimes with the Angel. He didn't seem to quite understand human interactions. Yeah. That sounded good, had to be what it was.

"Same here Cas. Cas you're family. Come on let's go get something to eat. We'll get cheeseburgers and talk about how we can find you a nice good chick to fall in love with. Sound good?"

Dean stood up to walk out, hoping to leave this part of the talk behind before it got even more awkward. He knew he would do anything to make things up to the man, and he wasn't so sure he would want to say no to Castiel if he pushed this one. Just as soon as he had stood up, a hand was around his shoulder, same place where the print from Castiel's own hand used to be and a chill ran through him. Looking back, blue pleading eyes still staring at him longingly as he stood. "That's not what I meant. I mean I love you. I have since I first saw you years ago, since that time your dad almost got you killed on a hunt when you were nineteen. That's why I pushed Jimmy so hard to be my vessel when you went to Hell."

His heart was immediately racing, this was definitely not a mistranslation. The awkward angel who had saved his life more times than he could count, went there, and it terrified him to no end. "I got that. I did actually. It's just, I'm not gay, like you know that right? I'm not gay Cas. I mean I'm flattered, but I'm not gay."

"Dean-" Dean pulled away from his hand and cut off whatever he was going to say.

"Shut up Cas! Just stop it! I'm not gay." Dean stepped toward the wall and pounded it with his fist, knowing he was trying to convince himself more so than the other man. He wasn't sure he believed what he was telling himself anymore honestly.

"I- I should go." Castiel stood and took a few steps to the door next to where Dean now rested his back against the wall. Dean ran his hands through his hair as he took a step away from the wall, turning back to his friend as he bore his soul to him. "I'm sorry Dean. I understand how awkward I have made things, I hope we can still be friends." Instantly he regretted what he said as he turned back and saw a tear streak down the Angel's cheek.

He'd hurt him and he'd sworn he wouldn't. Fuck.

Watching as his friend turn and step out of the door, he grappled with what all of this meant, the pounding in his chest, the ache he suddenly felt in his throat seeing the hurt on Castiel's face. He had promised he would do what he could for the man, but the implication with what he felt right now scared the crap out of him.

Suddenly nauseous, he watched as Cas took a step back into the room, tears streaming down his cheek. The sight nearly broke his heart right then and there. Screw it. It was the 21st century. The Angel said himself that God had no issues with homosexuality. What was he afraid of? Rejection? From who? His parents were already dead, and Sammy might make fun of him, but he wouldn't reject him, not for this. Who the hell else mattered but Cas? All he knew is he sure as hell couldn't cause him any more pain. Even if it meant- this.

"Cas wait." Dean stepped out the door toward Castiel and pulled him into a hug. "Please don't - don't cry man. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just- scared."

"I'm sorry. Dean I shouldn't have-" He felt the man in his arms sob. "I know you prefer women, I just-"

"Seriously Cas shut up." Dean pulled him tighter, as if he were going to run away if he didn't, and maybe that was something that scared him too. "Crap. Dammit man. Why'd you have to go and do this?" Dean wondered aloud, more to himself than Castiel. Heart pounding in his chest.

"Dean?" Castiel asked as he wrapped his arms tentatively around Dean's back and pressing his head deeper into his shoulder.

Dean held on tight for a long moment. He felt the other man's heat against his body and drank it in. Flashes of the other man undressed pressed against his body went through his mind for a moment, as they had many other times before.

"Dean, if I had known this was going to cause you this much distress, I would not have said anything. I truly am sorry for causing you this anxiety."

"Don't be." Dean pulled away ever so slightly from Castiel and wiped at the tears on his cheek with his thumb as he looked down at the shorter man.

Castiel gave Dean a Quizzical look. "I do not understand."

"Cas. I want you too dammit. I have for a while now, I guess the whole stigma of it just got stuck in my head. I dunno man. I still think chicks are hot, I just- I dunno. I'm not, not gay? I just- I feel the same. I guess. Is this making any sense at all?" Dean felt Castiel's own hand wipe away a tear of his own and he hadn't even known he was crying, lips itching to press into the other man's.

"Yes Dean, I believe I do. You are bisexual." Though hearing the words told to him felt embarrassing on some primal level, and he had just said it so matter-of-factly. He couldn't argue him.

"Cas. I've never done this with a man before." Dean pulled himself away slightly as he swallowed a lump in his throat. Hearing it made it real, and that shit was terrifying.

"Neither have I" Castiel offered, innocently smiling as he pulled Dean's head in and briefly touched his lips to the other man's. Stubble rubbing against his own, yanking himself back out of reflex as if he had been burned. Diving back in as quickly as he had pulled away, mouths crashing into each other, too much teeth pressing into his skin, yet craving more. Tongues gliding together as they stumbled back deeper into his room.

Deans hands went to the buttons of the shirt on the chest in front of him, pulling them apart quickly as he ran his hands over the smooth fabric. Castiel tugged, pulling desperately at the bottom of his t-shirt. Lips separating only just long enough for Cas to pull it over his head and toss the offending clothing on the floor. They fell backward into the bed, lips instantly re-joining the moment the back of Castiel's head met the pillow at the top of the bed as he climbed on top of him.

Hands pulling at his head and chest, then moving down to his waist. He touched and caressed the smooth skin on the chest below him, not quite as defined as his own, but muscles still toned and hard. Castiel let out a deep moan as Dean's thigh rubbed against his hardness through their pants. The sound went straight to Dean's groin, his jeans now so tight they hurt. He rubbed his hip against him again and Castiel responded by desperately ripping at his belt and unzipped his jeans tugging his underwear along with. Getting stuck at his knees, Dean rolled off to finish the work his partner had started, he kicked them off the edge of the bed.

He turned back as Castiel rid himself of his slacks, underwear following as the Angel lifted his hips to pull them down past his hips. Dean had an epiphany as he looked into the other man's eyes. Often emotionally hard to read, he had misinterpreted what he saw often. This look, this exact look, often confused for anger or frustration, was longing. For him. Christ he was a moron.

Wondering for the briefest of moments just what he was doing here, how this had escalating this quickly. He watched the other man struggle with untangling his slacks from his shoes, having forgot a step of undressing. Deciding quickly that he really didn't care about any of it as long as he never hurt Cas. It meant facing something he never thought he would ever have to deal with, but as long as he had Cas, everything would be fine. He dove in to rescue the awkward Angel from his shoes, tossing them over the edge of the bed in a pile with his own jeans. Of all of the things he's had to save the man from, shoes was not on the list until now he mused to himself with a chuckle. He stopped and looked back up at the other man, taking in the body now laying beside him.

Losing himself in the lines of the Angel's body as he leaned in caressing his stomach. As he crawled back onto the bed on top of the Angel, he reveled in the size of the man's penis, not quite as long as his own, but just a little thicker. The random though of how nicely the other man's cock would do being pushed out of his head just as quickly as it had entered. All thought but desire pushed out of his mind as they kissed once more, only pulling away just long enough for breath as their bodies entwined. He shuddered when he felt a finger circle around the tattoo on his chest, designed to keep the demons out, yet here it was letting an Angel in.

Gasping and groaning as their erections touched, ground together, Castiel was the first to break the silent spell. "Dean. I believe this will call for lubrication." He inhaled sharply realizing Cas wanted that, not just touching or whatever the hell he thought this was going to be. I mean they were naked and all, what did he think was going to happen, but that still came as a bit of a shock.

"Cas, you sure you want to go that far this fast?" Dean asked, looking into the blue eyes below him, now less terrified of what was happening, but more unsure. Peering back with abandon, lust and sheer innocence, the other man didn't even realize how dirty and hot he looked like that, and he was the one to make him look like that. His cock throbbed.

"Yes Dean." Cas replied with a simple nod with his too pure features laced with desire. It was obvious though really, now that he thought about it. Clearly that is what Cas wanted, Dean thought.

His brain shut off all higher thought at that. "Yeah. OK." Was all he could grunt in reply as he reached up to the night stand, knocking the baseball off the corner as he roughly pulled the drawer open and withdrawing a tube of clear gel.

Lips meeting again briefly when he returned, only to pull away to tug at the other man's shoulders to turn him over onto his stomach.

"Dean- no-I" Castiel called, almost alarmed and he stopped immediately, heart nearly jumping through his stomach.

"I want to see your face when we make love. Please." Ok, so he really needed to stop second guess himself, these little heart attacks were getting old. Or maybe he liked them, he couldn't tell the difference right now. He could only nod as he reached down to guide the other man's legs apart and settled on his knees between them. Reaching forward to ready the dark haired man below him, he grasped his erection and tugged slightly, receiving another low moan in reply.

With nothing more than a touch of his fingers, a squeeze against his palm, he watched his friend writhe beneath his efforts and he felt himself twitch in response. Stopping only long enough to open the cap on the tube and squeeze some of the contents onto his fingers. Slowly rubbing the slippery fluid against the length in his hand, eliciting a gasp from Castiel in response at the cold touch, slowly turning into a low rumbling groan as the liquid warmed between his hand and the flesh in his grasp. He stroked him several more times, twisting his fist just slightly at the tip the way he did on himself, aching for friction of his own.

"Dean. Please don't make me beg." He glanced up from watching his hand rub the other man's erection back up to the other man's face, eyes shut and lips open just slightly panting, hands fisted in the wrinkled blanket below them both.

"Cas you sure about this?" Partly wanting a reason to not do this to himself, to give into the urges he's lied to himself about his whole life. Mostly desperately needing this not to stop.

"Yes." Castiel's eyes met his with his answer and spread his legs wider to accommodate Dean as he reached down, gently circling the Angel's entrance with his middle finger.

"Cas, if this is too uncomfortable or whatever, just tell me ok?" Dean kissed the man and began circling the hole with his finger.

"Okay." Castiel confirmed, blue eyes meeting green as Dean's finger began to sink inside his body. He heard a small grunt from the other man as he felt the tight ring give way, sinking in as deep as it would go, Cas grunting and jumping when he hit his prostate.

Dean rubbed his fingers over the spot again, smirking as he ground their lips together, Castiel groaning into his mouth. "You like that?" he asked as he pressed harder on the spot that caused him to writhe.

"Yes. That is very pleasurable." He panted between slightly open lips. The look on the man's face, wanton with pleasure, shattered any doubts he had about what he wanted.

"Good." Dean laughed and then dove in for another kiss. Leave it to Cas to figure out how to form words like 'pleasurable' right now. Sinking another finger inside the man below him, pressing and scissoring, stretching him out as much as he could. Moaning and panting below him, Dean watched as Castiel's erection twitched with every press to his prostate.

Running out of lube, not wanting to hurt his lover, Dean pulled away to reapply, squeezing more onto his fingers. Seriously he was thinking of him as a lover now? What the hell was this a romance chick flick? He thought over it for a moment and decided he didn't care. Once his fingers were sufficiently lubricated again, he inserted his two fingers again, then three, grinding against the spot that was making Castiel writhe below him.

"Dean- Please" Castiel moaned. "I want you inside me." Dean kissed him once more, then leaned back on his heels as he spread what he thought would be sufficient lubrication on himself. Carefully he placed himself at his entrance and slowly pressed in, pressure building around him as he pushed through the tight ring of muscle. Grunting and moaning, Dean placed a hand on Castiel's hip to steady himself and inched himself in until he was deeply imbedded in the other man's body.

Castiel wrapped an arm around his back gripped him tightly in more ways than one, as he tentatively thrust into his body. He'd had his fair share of bedroom experiences in the past. He'd fucked hard and fast a lot. He'd screwed slowly and deliberately a few times. He'd even had cold and detached, empty hearted animalistic rutting when his soul felt drained more often than any human should have a right. Yet even with Lisa when things were good he hadn't felt this much connection, this much, love.

Leaning forward on his left arm, his hand shook with desire as he moved his hand from Castiel's hip to stroke wrap his fingers around the man below him. With a gasp, a familiar warmth grew on his arm as Castiel's other hand caressed his shoulder where he had gripped him tightly and raised him from perdition so many years before. The scar long since faded after he'd been healed when Sam fell into Lucifer's cage it occurred to him that he'd missed the constant warmth he had felt with it's presence these last several years and found comfort in it's return, even if temporary. Hips gently rocking back and forth, grinding and gently thrusting rather than pounding inside of his partner as he was so used to.

Castiel suddenly breaking his mouth away from his to pant a plea between groans. "Right there please. Please, whatever it is that you are doing, please, please keep doing it."

"Dude, stop saying please." Dean complained as he felt the man's body twitch beneath him, thrusting into his hand as he ground himself inside his body. Pace quickening as he thrust into the Angel below him, he knew he wouldn't last long at this rate, but he didn't really care. He knew that Castiel was close as well by how he was trembling, and he wanted to make sure that he finished first.

"Kiss me. I need you to kiss me." Castiel begged breathlessly before Dean crushed his lips back down into the other man's mouth with a satisfied smirk, tongues sliding together, gripping the Angel's lower lip with his teeth momentarily before releasing and diving back to idolize the man with his actions. Loving the way he squirmed below him, learning just what drove him crazy, aching to please him as much as he was pleased at the moment. This was definitely something he could get used to.

"Dean!" Cas cried into Dean's mouth as warm sticky semen painted their stomachs, lips still pressed together as his thrusting doubled inside the man's body, cries of elation pouring from the man's mouth.

Grinding himself into the man with a new desperation to reach the same climax. Castiel's reactions growing more and more distressed with the sudden sensitivity of having came, he moved his hand from Castiel's slowly fading erection to alleviate the discomfort, back to his hip as he steadied himself as he thrust himself with a new determination. "Cas!" Finally crying out with his ecstasy as he filled him with his own semen as he came.

"Was that OK? Are you OK?" Dean drunkenly asked as he kissed apologies on Castiel's cheek, knowing full well that he was worrying unnecessarily, yet unable to stop. Needing some kind of affirmation that he was still his friend, that things hadn't gone too far, that he still ok, that he wasn't going to just be alone to hate himself, that-

"Yes I am." Castiel turned his head and met their lips for the seven-hundredth and forty-second time in the last twenty minutes, not that he was counting. His train of thought pulled back from his spiral of despair.

"Good, I didn't want to hurt you by, um, fucking you." He chuckled when he said it, still unsure of himself, of this.

Castiel's fingers ran across his cheek tenderly. "That was not just fucking Dean. You gave me the energy of your soul, and that contact was beautiful. I thought I loved you before, but after this." He paused to stare into his eyes again. He was beginning to feel like the man could see into his damn soul every time he did that, as he felt his hand pulled up as the other man's lips brushed the backs of his knuckles. "I don't think there are words in the English language to describe how I feel about you. The burning longing that I felt for you before has combusted with the strength of a thousand suns and I do not know how I can stand it."

He couldn't stand it, that worried him terribly. Crap he was such a girl right now it was gross."Cas. Don't you dare panic and teleport yourself away on me again." Genuinely unable to bear the thought of being alone after what they just did, what he just did to another man, he felt the creeping tendrils of terror begin to wrap their way around him.

And just like that Cas batted them away with laugh and a kiss. "You have nothing to worry about. My wings still have not mended fully. Besides, I would feel incredible displeasure if I separated myself from you right now." Ok so he wasn't the only one girling out right now. Yeah. Girling. That was a word now, dammit. "Other than to clean myself up that is, my stomach is rather sticky." Castiel continued with a gesture to the puddle of goo on his stomach.

"Yeah, that's not the only thing." Dean smirked as he pointed down further to Cas's rear before motioning to the box of tissues on the night stand on the opposite side of the bed.

Castiel rolled over reach over to the tissues keeping contact the whole time, unable to he sighed and extracted himself from Dean's limbs to climb off the bed and reach the elusive tissues. "So what do you think of hitting a home run?" Dean asked as he watched Castiel pull out a very large handful of tissues from the box, chuckling when the man frowned as the tissues kept coming out.

"I liked it very much. Although I have to ask, is this a normal reaction for one's legs feel this weak, this very shaky and unsteady after intercourse." Dean stood to help him with the box of tissues, holding the box steady as Cas finally pulled the now excessive wad of tissues free.

"Yeah. That happens sometimes." It really was damn cute how awkward he could be sometimes he thought as he took half of the handful from him and wiped himself down.

"I see." he watched as the other man struggled to remove the sticky fluid and he reached over to help.

Finishing cleaning the offending spots on his abdomen, he reached around behind Castiel's body and wiped as much of the lube from his rear as he could while standing.

"Cas?"

"Yes Dean?" Dean was acutely aware of how Castiel was watching his actions right now, and was embarrassed about what he wanted to ask. He breathed and asked anyway.

"Will you stay the night with me? I don't know if I can be alone after - It's kind of a big deal. You know, what we just did." He could kick himself for how shy he suddenly felt. He hadn't felt like this since he was a teenager his first time with a girl. It was sort of the same concept as it was also a first for him, it occurred to him somewhere in the back of his mind, but still he felt foolish for how he felt.

"Of course." And he inhaled. God had he forgotten to breathe? He kissed Cas and pulled him back to the bed, tossing aside the covers before climbing in. The other man followed and slid right into his arms as he pulled the covers back over them. They fidgeted for a few moments to find a comfortable position, settling only when Castiel slipped slightly lower using Dean's arm as a pillow.

"So, do you think that helped any? You know with the grace thing?" Dean asked as he rubbed the small of the other man's back.

"It's small, but it has repaired some of the damage I think." He felt him kiss his chest and he smiled.

"Wait. So don't Angel's like, not feel anything when they have their full grace?" His smile instantly faded with the thought. "Isn't this kinda self-defeating here? Cas you literally just promised me you wouldn't leave me alone afterward, man, you promised!" his grip around the other man's waist tightened subconsciously trying to will him to stay. "I mean it, after what we just did- I need you. I've never actually given anyone that much of my heart before and now the thought of losing you kind of terrifies me." And now he felt a little sick again. This was getting stupid.

"Dean. I promise you I am not going to leave you even if I could." Castiel slipped his hand from Dean's hip to his back and pulled him just as tight.

"What about when you can?" He ignored the crack in his voice and the liquid magma behind his eyes that threatened to erupt.

"I promise you I will not leave you." He felt his head being tugged down slightly by his cheek and his lips met Castiel's in an honest kiss. "Once an Angel becomes aware of human emotions, it doesn't just go away. We are shielded from them in heaven, but once exposed, it's permanent. Rebuilding my grace will not change who I have become. Besides this new bond we have shared makes me feel the same about you honestly, so please promise me the same thing?" Castiel's thumb brushed over his eye, wiping away the offending liquid that had forced its way out against his will.

"Yeah." He choked on his words trying to keep a sob form escaping. This was disgusting and he didn't know how to stop from being such a emotional little school girl right now.

Castiel snuggled up against him, head next to his chest. "Your heart is racing."

"Shut up Cas." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments?


	2. Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's still on the road to recovery, and Dean seems more than happy to take care his needs. When Dean has a need of his own, Castiel agrees as well.

With all of the demons Castiel had fought over the past millennia since his creation, he'd experienced many times when fear would have been the appropriate response. Each and every time however, the Veil of Heaven blocked out nearly all of it, leaving just a dull echo of noise in the background, just enough to know it was there, but not enough to truly be able to put his finger on anything specific. He'd always been aware of the dull noise in the background, but he'd been content with simply noticing it, never feeling it.

Since meeting the Winchesters though, the dull roar had gotten louder and louder, to the point where he was no longer contented with noticing, he wanted to experience it, until he had. Then the experience had been, well terrifying and only lead way to other emotions to experience which also terrified him and now the only time that roar of terror was truly quiet was when he was with them. Specifically Dean.

When he was near Dean there was another, specific feeling that came through when the terror faded. This was more of a smoldering heat that he couldn't cool even though he tried and tried since he had met the man. At first he had felt that it would burn him from the inside out, that it would be his undoing, that it would burn him out and leave him nothing but a shell of his former self. He was wrong. He was so wrong. Not for the first time in his life, but it was the first time he had been this happy to be this wrong.

He'd been so scared of what Dean would say before he had approached him last night, convinced he would be rejected or that he would be made to leave the Bunker again. For a moment his fears were realized when he'd thought he pushed Dean too far, but Dean did not break like he'd worried. He'd simply stumbled, knocked momentarily off his footing. He tried to extract himself as quickly as possible to save what he could of their friendship then. Only to find that when he was called back and roughly embraced, he'd been very gladly proven wrong of his assumption of Dean's reaction.

He knew how much he had frightened the man, how much he had pushed him to get what he wanted, but it was very much worth it for more than one reason. If there was anything within his power, he would make it up to the man, though something told him it wouldn't be difficult.

He smiled to himself as he watched the beautiful nude man sleeping next to him, partially covered with a disheveled blanket wrapped around their bodies. Dean would be waking soon he guessed based on how his breathing changed as he became increasingly restless, yet he didn't dare move an inch for fear of stealing even a moment of the man's so well deserved peace.

Of all of the things he had felt since gaining human emotion, this feeling right now, was the one he liked the best. Requited love was something he, at one time did not believe he would ever receive, was not sure if he coveted it even. Worried it would make him somehow weaker or lesser somehow. Always warned against giving in to any desires, always following orders given to him from his superiors. Now that he was fallen, he was free. He had not fallen like Lucifer, fallen into hatred of mankind. He realized that though they were similar in disobeying orders, their reasons were entirely different as he had fallen in love with mankind. Fallen in love with Dean.

Maybe he was ok with that. He knew that the other Angels would probably not be ok with it, but right now, he didn't care. All he cared about was that the man he loved was laying in his arms, and that he was loved back.

Images of the night before replayed through Castiel's mind. The feel of his partner's fevered tugs at his clothes, soft caresses of his skin and kisses on his lips as he thrust inside him. He longed for the feeling of being filled again, feeling his grace mix with Dean's soul as they danced again in their inelegant, ungraceful, clumsy yet oh-so beautiful dance, and he felt his body grow excited at the thought.

He once thought of his body as simply a vessel, to be occupied voluntarily yet temporarily. After his host had been sent on to Heaven though, he was alone, no longer fighting the objections of Jimmy in his head, whispering, threatening that he would revoke his invitation if he used his body to somehow cheat on his wife. He was finally alone in his own head to truly do what he wished. Though he missed the man's company at dark times, he relished the quiet, and he relished his own physical form.

Even when his form had been destroyed a multitude of times, he had come back in this form each and every time, and had grown fond of it. Now considered it more than just a vessel to discard, but more his own body. Perhaps it was simply because he had spent so long in this human, though he suspected it was more than that, as if he had found his true form.

His grace was still weak, but he could feel the hum of Dean's soul next to him and it was so beautiful, so strong on its own that he was in awe of the sheer force of it. This was what made up the man he loved so dearly, so tenderly with all of his being and he was truly grateful to have his feelings returned.

He watched as Dean's breathing became erratic and his eyes fluttered open.

"Good morning" Castiel stroked the sleeping man's forehead with his fingertips, slowly sinking his fingers into the other man's short hair affectionately.

"Morning." Dean blinked away the sleep from his eyes groggily and Castiel felt his smile grow larger on his own face.

"Did you watch me sleep the whole night?" the other man asked sleepily.

"I slept a little bit. I think." He replied, he was beginning to like the feeling of sleep. It terrified him the first few times it had happened, waking up in a bolt of horror, assuming death was approaching to take his abandoned vessel the moment he began to drift, but now it was peaceful, if short lived.

"You slept?" Dean asked with bewilderment in his voice and eyebrows screwing up with confusion, it was truly endearing. This was definitely another sensation he was learning to easily enjoy.

"Yes, I do that occasionally now that I experience emotion. Not a lot, but seems to be something of import with processing emotions."

"Well that's weird." He leaned in and pressed his lips against the other man's, feeling rough but gentle fingers brushing through his hair. He was still new to these sensations and he felt the giddy nervousness grasp his stomach as his lips parted to allow the other man's tongue to glide against his own, breaking away only when he recognized the burning in his own chest was his own vessel, no, his body's need for oxygen.

"So how's the angel mojo?" Castiel felt the other man's fingers fall away from his head as he adjusted himself to lean on his side. He pushed himself onto his own side, propping his head up on his hand so he could face his lover.

"Last night definitely had an impact, albeit it was a small one." He felt himself blush as he recalled the sensation of Dean's soul touching him, restoring a small part of what he had been stupid enough lose.

Dean rubbed a hand through his hair uncomfortably as he clearly struggled with something. Castiel could tell he wasn't quite at peace yet, and he hoped he would be able to help the man find it, since it was basically his fault for Dean's discomfort. He was almost was ashamed of how he had ambushed the man last night, and he wished he could simply will away his turmoil. He had pushed him very hard last night and he was hoping the next step wasn't building a wall. The outcome had been so rewarding however, that he couldn't help but feel a little prideful of what had transpired. He'd been wanting this for years, but he was always too afraid of breaking the man to want to pursue. Now that he'd had a reason, and a moment where neither one of them were possessed by some dark force, he'd seized the opportunity and his patience had _finally_ paid off.

The two of them were quiet for several moments before Dean finally worked up the courage to say whatever it was that was on his mind. "I'm kinda surprised you are still here, Cas."

"I promised you I would not leave, Dean. I meant what I said." an unpleasant emotion spilled over that he couldn't quite put his finger on. This whole thing was very foreign and he was definitely not used to this. Shame he supposed was the closest thing to fit the bill right now. He'd up and left on Dean before when he'd begged him not to and he saw now how it had hurt the man. Maybe much of the terrible things that had happened to them in the past would not have occurred if he had simply stayed when Dean had wanted him to.

Dean just smiled at him in return, green eyes glowing with a lightness Castiel had only seen a hand full of times since he'd first been aware of his existence. His soul always shone bright, but his face rarely reflected it. The first time he'd seen it was when Dean was young and he and Sam let off the fireworks in the field without their father's oppression. Another was when Dean was truly excited about going back in time to be among the cowboys of the past, despite Sam's apparent reluctance and apprehension. The most memorable, until now that is, was for the briefest of moments after April had killed him that Dean was truly and unabashedly overjoyed at his own return, just before Dean had yelled at him for dying in the first place.

That had been the first time he'd seen that lightness meant for him and only him, and here it was again, but all he could think of was how he'd let the man down in the past when he had always run when he should have stayed. He couldn't stand this feeling any longer and the only way to rid himself of it was to say something, he was sure of it.

"I'm sorry."

"Why?" Dean frowned at Castiel's confession.

"For leaving all of those times before. For making you think that I wouldn't stay."

"Shut up Cas." Dean laughed in response as he leaned in for a quick kiss, which just as quickly turned into a lingering kiss, then panting and pulling at each other desperately as they were compelled to devour each other's essence, only to pull away short of breath after many long moments as Dean panted for breath and a rumbling noise came from his stomach.

"What do you say to breakfast? I'm starved." Dean asked with a chuckle.

Despite his complete and total apathy for food, he agreed. The last few times Dean had cooked for him it was better than the food from the many restaurants they frequented, which only tasted like molecules. He still didn't get real flavors when Dean cooked, more like essences and impressions, but it was familiar and comforting.

They climbed out of the bed and he reached down for his own clothes off the floor as he watched Dean pull out a shirt  from his dresser with some cartoon character he was not familiar with and quickly pulled jeans over his bare skin. Castiel buttoned up his own shirt, finishing with his slacks and debated for a moment if he wanted to bother with the rest of the suit. Since they were between cases for the moment, he decided the spot on the floor his trench coat rested on was as good of a spot as any and stepped over it as he met Dean at the door. He leaned in for a kiss before Dean opened the door and headed to the kitchen as he followed.

"Sam? You want breakfast?" Dean knocked on his door and waited for a moment with no response. "Guess he's still out from his movie last night. Still just you and me." He said with a smirk.

"Well the theater he was going to was a ten hour drive away, he probably decided to stay in a hotel room on the way back."

"Yeah, Bitch needs his 'me time' or some shit." Dean shrugged, Sam had the habit of needing to wind down after things got hairy, and things had indeed been hairy lately. Castiel shuddered at the thought of what the attack dog spell had done, what he had done under its influence. What he had endured to be rid of it. Even the events before which lead up to him receiving the curse from Rowena. He'd wanted to save Dean by any means necessary, but that had been one byproduct which was entirely unanticipated, and it had taken its toll on all of them.

"Rightly so I think." Castiel remarked idly noting the linoleum was cold against his feet as they walked to the kitchen. He really should have put on some socks or shoes before leaving the carpeted floor of Dean's bedroom, but now that they were feet from the kitchen he thought it would be silly to head back just for something as trivial as his feet. The sensation wasn't entirely troublesome the more he thought about it, just jarring form what it had been back in the bedroom. Maybe this sensation on his feet was intriguing now that he thought about it.

"Yeah you're probably right." Dean grumbled as they reached the kitchen and he flung open the refrigerator door.

It was truly fascinating how the human body reacted to its environment. It was such a fragile thing, but it had so many mechanisms to keep itself safe, to know of danger around it. To sense when something was wrong, and this sensation in his feet wasn't setting off any of those senses.

Besides, Dean was barefoot as well, bent over in the refrigerator to pull some ingredients out. Surely it wasn't that cold. He felt himself smile slightly as he let his eyes run over the curves of the body that rummaged in the large appliance. Carefully hidden now under clothing when he had just moments before been able to see that same shape bare skinned while running his hands over said skin. It was almost like he knew something the rest of the world didn't, after what he'd shared with him last night.

"Um- Can I help with anything?" he shifted uncomfortably as he felt his pulse quicken as Dean pulled out several ingredients and shut the door behind himself. He needed a distraction to take his mind off of the thoughts running through it. He knew a bit of food preparation from his time at the Gas-N-Sip and was sure he could help with whatever it was Dean wanted to cook.

"Um, sure. Pancakes recipe is in the book on the counter. Get the flour out of the cupboard and put all the dry ingredients in a bowl first, then the wet."

Castiel followed the instructions mixing the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt together, feeling the weight of the ingredients in the measuring cups as he poured them into the bowl. He carefully cut the butter to the two tablespoon mark before melting the it in the microwave and measuring out the milk as Dean got to work on frying up some bacon at the stove.

As the microwave beeped, he poured the molten liquid over the flour mixture and topped it off with the milk and eggs the recipe called for and began to mix with the whisk. In some ways this process was intriguing, blending the ingredients together. In a way it was almost a form of rudimentary alchemy of sorts, yet it was almost as if it was the most common thing in the world. The  Gas-N-Sip only had him heating and cutting the food, actually creating the food was different on its own entirely, and he suspected that this was very appealing. Upon finishing he picked up the large bowl and brought it over to where Dean was heating up the griddle over the gas burners.

"What next?" he asked as Dean looked up from the bacon.

"You over mixed it. How could you?" Dean scoffed as he looked at the bowl he had set down next to him.

"How can you tell? Can we fix it?" Castiel wondered aloud, now slightly upset at himself that he had let him down in some way because he had turned the whisk in the bowl too many times in the bowl.

"Ha! You looked so worried there for a moment! Dude, I'm just messin' with you." the man gently shoved his shoulder with a fist. "Well you did over mix them, but they'll be fine." Relieved at Dean's reaction somehow, he realized apparently his face had given away his thought.

"Griddle's ready. Spray some of the oil on the griddle first then put about a quarter of a cup on the griddle for each pancake." Castiel complied with a deep satisfaction in following his instructions. Whether it was a holdover from being a soldier of heaven, or because he was specifically following the instructions because he wanted to please the man next to him. At the moment, while the mixture sizzled on the hot surface, he suspected he didn't really care.

After he had filled the griddle he watched as the pancakes began to cook. Intense heat could do so many destructive things, yet humans had found a way of using it for constructive purposes. Not just cooking but other things as well like using heat to melt down wear-resistant traffic striping at crosswalks, designed to help and keep pedestrians safe. Or shrink wrap packaging or- his thoughts abruptly stopped as Dean's lips pressed against his, mouth opening to willingly let the invading tongue brush against his own briefly before returning the action.

If he had known this would be Dean's reaction the morning after intercourse, he would have done this a whole lot sooner. He felt his rear press up roughly against the kitchen counter as hard hands wrapped around his back. His lower lip stung briefly as Dean's teeth nipped at him before his lips crashed back, tongue forcing its way into his mouth. He felt Dean lift his body slightly, sitting him on the counter and he moaned at the way Dean's hip pressed into his groin. Lips smiling against his own, the sensation repeated itself, eliciting yet another groan bubbling up from deep within his throat only to spill out into the lips sealed against his own.

"Fuck. I need to flip these damn pancakes or they are going to burn." Dean quickly pulled away grabbing a spatula and diving into the griddle to attend to the pancakes.

"Are they supposed to bubble like that?" He wondered idly as his fingers brushed over his lower lip which now felt warm and tingled slightly.

"Yeah. They are a little dark, but it's fine. I should get started on the eggs though. Like yours over easy?"

"Sure." Castiel answered as he slid himself off of the counter and grabbed the plates from the cupboard as Dean cracked several eggs over the pan.

"Do you even actually care?" Dean asked as he glanced up and watched Castiel as he set the table. Castiel hadn't been asked to, but he felt like that was the appropriate course of action given how close Dean was to being finished.

"Honestly no." The important part was that Dean was making them.

"I appreciate the honesty I guess. Have a seat, it'll be ready in just  a few moments."

Castiel brought the stack of pancakes and bacon with him as he grabbed a seat, gently placing a stack of several pancakes on each plate and topping them with a few strips of bacon. He watched as Dean flipped the eggs on the pan and after just a few seconds picked up the sizzling pan and brought it over to the table.

"Here you go" Dean said as he plopped two eggs on each plate then turned to set the pan back on the stove and turned off the gas.

Dean grabbed his seat and instantly poured syrup all over his stack of pancakes and began digging into his food as his stomach let out another angry growl. Castiel gently cut through the pancakes and stuck his fork through them, lifting them to his mouth though he felt no need whatsoever to consume the food. He did it to make Dean happy, since he'd spent so much time and effort making the meal for them.

"Lemme guess, molecules again?" Dean asked, apparently the expression on Castiel's face had given him away.

"Yes, but the texture is quite entertaining." Castiel ran his tongue over the pancakes, marveling at the fluffy, springy texture.

"Entertaining?"

"That is the correct term for providing amusement or enjoyment is it not?" Dean just chuckled in response.

"Try the syrup it might help." he suggested, so  Castiel grabbed the bottle, briefly read the label that said 100% pure maple syrup and poured some on his pancakes and took a tentative bite as a drop plopped back on his plate, narrowly missing his shirt.

"I like the syrup. I can taste all of the weather the maple tree has experienced in its lifetime. I believe there are multiple trees in this bottle."

Dean just laughed a deep belly laugh and looked at Castiel with those deep green eyes of his. They reminded him of his favorite meadow where he could go and watch the bees gather their nectar for their queen. In some ways when he had lost his mind things had been easier, and he remembered that short time fondly. Some of the things from that time had stayed, like his fascination with bees.

"You know it's the weirdest damn thing."  Dean began, suddenly solemn.

"The syrup?" Castiel asked perplexed.

"No." He shook his head changing the subject. "It's stupid. Never mind." He watched as the man made eye contact again with a sad smile before stuffing a bite of bacon in his mouth.

"I bet it's not." Castiel reassured, reverting almost instantly to his previous worry that he hadn't just tripped him momentarily, but had hurt him last night with his actions in some way. He'd been purely selfish for multiple reasons with his confession to Dean last night, and he had known he was playing with fire, but he'd done it anyway.

"Ok. Fine." He suspended the topic momentarily as he played with his fork. The other man sighed and then chuckled with a wry smile. "You know when you pulled me from hell?"

"Yes." he replied simply. So many different emotions filled him at the mention of that fateful day, most of them unpleasant and yet un-named. Even through the Veil of heaven, one emotion had burned strong that day, what he once assumed was his desire to protect his charge, he now realized was the beginning of many years of pining quietly for the man with a deep burning desire.

"Yeah, well, that day you pulled me out. I um. I ended up coming back with this burn mark on my arm from where you grabbed me to pulled me out." He stopped to take another bite of pancake topped with a piece of bacon and egg as he neared the end of his plate. Dean chewed slowly, clearly attempting to distract himself from some discomfort. He was sure he was supposed to respond somehow, but he wasn't exactly sure where this was going. Clearly this was causing Dean discomfort, and that caused Castiel discomfort.

"I'm sorry I damaged you. I did not realize- my intention was to bring you back and I was not aware that my grace without a vessel had scarred you." Castiel said, unconfidently wagering on caution and apologies for his reply as he toyed with the texture of the last bite of his pancake in his mouth.

Dean responded by looking at him like was an idiot, but he had a smile on his face. "That's not it Cas. Not at all." He shook his head. "It's just that. When Sam went with Lucifer into the pit, and you healed me. It was gone after that." he watched the man smile down at his plate. "I kind of miss it." he finished looking mildly humiliated.

"Oh." Castiel's mind reeled at the thought as he absently licked a drop of maple syrup off his lips, tasting a snowflake from the winter of 2010. He'd inadvertently marked the man and he enjoyed it? He knew there was a significance in that, he just wasn't quite sure what it was.

"I can't believe I just fucking told you that." he blurted suddenly stricken and shoved a very large piece of pancake into his mouth finally emptying his plate.

Castiel smiled as scooted his chair closer, leaning in to kiss his cheek as he wrapped an arm protectively over his shoulders. "There is a possibility that I will be able to put it back if you desire. It would not be exactly pleasant, and it would set my recovery back slightly, but it may actually strengthen our bond."

"You think so?" Dean asked around his mouthful of pancake.

"Yes." Castiel ran his hands across Dean's back, learning the curve of the muscles under his t-shirt. "How unpleasant are we talking? Not that I really care- I just want to know what I'm in for."

"I honestly do not know. I may be able to make it more pleasant if we are intimate when we do it."

"Cas, are you trying to seduce me?" Castiel felt like he had silently choked on his tongue as an unknown emotion suddenly creped through burning his face.

Embarrassment, it occurred to him, that's what this was, something he had experienced before, but had always just left rather than putting a label on it and dealing with it. He folded his hands in his lap as he looked away, trying suddenly to deny the accusation. It was silly and he knew it, but everything was so hard to process right now and much of the time he didn't know how to react to things. He wished there were a handbook on how to have emotions while a fallen angel. If emotions were this hard for humans, it was no wonder Dean struggled with his feelings as much as he did.

"It's working." he felt fingers on the small of his back and he cautiously turned to look at the other man. "What do we have to do?"

Castiel answered by pressing his lips to Dean's desperately, tasting the breeze of a summer night in 1998 on his lips from the syrup. Worried to push things too far, but reminding himself that Dean had asked. He knew it had taken a lot for him to ask to start with, and he didn't want him to lock up like was his usual reaction.

"Where do you want it?"

"Um, I think I want it in the same spot on my arm." Dean's eyes were still wide with something that looked remarkably like fear.

"I think it would be easier if I could hold on to your arm while we are intimate, but please keep your eyes closed when I tell you to." he knew it would be risky. He knew the man had already been unable to view his true visage just after he had brought him back, which was what lead him to Jimmy in the first place. He didn't know Dean if would have the same reaction if something went wrong, now that he was as broken as he was. He did know that he wanted Dean's vision intact and he would have to expose him to most of his remaining grace in order to fulfill his wish, and that tended to get too bright for most.

"Uh- Yeah. I will." He swallowed, eyes round with a fear that broke his heart, and he couldn't do this to the man.

"You are scared."

"That's an understatement." Suddenly Dean's lips were unexpectedly and desperately forcing their way onto his, pulling him up from the chair and down the hallway back to the bedroom. Dean's fingers curled through his hair, and slammed him into the hall wall as their tongues glided over each other between their lips. The hardness between Dean's legs grinding against his own. He was quickly becoming lost in what Dean was doing to him, but he truly did not want to aid in scaring the man any further. His heart raced faster than he was sure was healthy and he struggled with himself.

"Dean, I do not think we should do this right now." he pulled himself away to look at the other man, only to realize they had worked their way back to Dean's bedroom with his shirt already removed as the other man tossed it on the floor and slammed the door shut.

"Cas. I want to." He said as he pushed him onto the bed and stripped off his own shirt, unfastening his jeans and dropping them with his briefs before climbing on top of him.

"Why?" Castiel found himself fall into a strange mixture of lust and bewilderment as his friend began to suck on the skin of his neck, a small moan escaping his lips before he could wrap his head around what the man was doing to him.

"After the mark of Cain- " He watched him bite back his words and look away for a moment before continuing. "I just need something that is- good. To burn away what I did. To everyone- the world- to you." His lips instantly reclaimed, the other man crashing into him with a renewed desperation as Castiel felt something warm and wet drip onto his face.

"Alright." he agreed finally as he wiped the tears from Dean's face. If this would bring him some solace, he would do it. He felt Dean's fingers tugging at his belt then his zipper. It shouldn't have been possible for the act of your clothes being removed to be filled with such raw wanton lust, but it was, and he felt his body twitch in response to his pants and briefs being roughly ripped down and off his legs.

Hungry lips compelling his to open again for the umpteenth time, he felt Dean's hands pulling up on his shoulders as if bidding him to move. Confusion in his inexperience in this role taking over, he felt the need to speak up. "Dean, I find myself unsure of what you would like me to do."

"Sit up. Lean against the headboard." He planted his arms beside himself and pulled himself up, gladly following orders given to him from his friend once again. Dean's erection rubbed against his gently at first, then rougher as his hand grasped both of their lengths together, thrusting into his own hand as he held onto Castiel's manhood.

Suddenly Dean pulled his lips away and leaned over to the bed stand coming back with the bottle of lube from last night. Castiel watched him open it pouring some his fingers. Castiel moaned as Dean's wet, cold fingers grasped his penis, lubricating him. He watched as Dean sat up slightly and positioning himself above Castiel's erection and pressing down slightly.

"Dean stop. I should get you ready for this first shouldn't I?" Castiel asked pressing a hand on his chest.

"Uh. Yeah. I guess. You know what to do?" Dean asked, terror suddenly creeping onto his face as if he realized just what he was doing.

"Yes Dean. I'm inexperienced, but I've been around humanity for a very long time. Besides it's the same thing you did to me last night." He took the bottle of lube from him and urged him up, reaching down between his legs and slicking his fingers before gently probing his entrance. Dean's erection bobbed as he jumped, bracing himself by squeezing Castiel's shoulders roughly.

"Are you ok Dean?" He asked as he ran circles over the ring of muscle.

"Um." he looked up and watched the man's Adams apple bob as he swallowed. "Yeah." Dean breathed in a sharp hiss as Castiel pressed a finger gently through the tight ring.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked as Dean let out a little yelp.

"No." he grunted. Castiel began peppering his chest and stomach with kisses of reassurance as he gently pumped in and out of his anus. He continued until Dean groaned and grabbed at his hair roughly pulling his head into his pecs, thrusting his erection into Castiel's chest.

He smirked as he repeated the action and brushed his lover's prostate again as he inserted a second finger. Scalp slightly hurting as Dean's fists tightened in his hair as he fought himself with the assault on his body.

"Oh fuck!" Dean cried as he gripped him harder into his chest. Castiel's free hand reaching down to stroke his own erection. This was something he had not done to himself before he idly noticed, but it seemed appropriate given the circumstance. He kept scissoring his fingers in and out in time with Dean thrusting into his chest, searching for any kind of friction.

He inserted a third finger, curling his fingers against his prostate and Dean stilled as he let out a startled warble. Castiel released his own erection in favor of rubbing Dean's thigh in an attempt of reassurance.

"Too much?" He asked as he gently reached to Dean's front and stroked his length.

"Do it again." He barked, and Castiel complied by stroking his growing erection, gently thumbing the head of his penis.

"No! Not that. I'm going to cum. Do the other thing." he ordered him as Castiel felt one of Dean's hands release his hair, ripping his own hand away from his manhood. Understanding the request, he thrust his fingers inside brushing against his prostate roughly again, eliciting a string of curses from the man.

"Cas, I-" Dean's voice cracked with a moan. "I wa-" he moaned again as he brushed against that spot that caused him to elicit such delicious sounds. "Fuck! Don't make me fucking say it, dude."

He nodded in understanding, knowing why it was too much for him to vocalize. Perhaps one day he would be able to say the thoughts in his head, but it was not today, and that was ok. He pulled out his fingers and grabbed the bottle of lube to reapply the liquid to his own erection before he guided Dean down to the tip and pressed himself in just slightly.

A deep guttural burning groan escape his lips as Dean's entrance stretched when he breached him. Dean however let out a pained yelp and pressed his forehead to Castiel's, tightly squeezing his eyes shut before sinking onto him completely with a yowl. Worried at the look of near agony on the other man's face, now in front of his, he felt compelled to speak up, to offer some sort of respite.

"Dean, If this is-" he was immediately cut off by Dean's lips silencing  him, shoving his head roughly against the headboard before lifting his hips slightly and slowly sinking back down with a moan.

"Oh Cas." Dean moaned into his lips, sealing them again before he could respond with anything other than a groan. Dean's hand still gripping tightly onto his hair as he began to move himself with more determination.

Falling into a rhythm of motion and grunts, Castiel found his hands wandering over his lover's body. He didn't recall telling them where to move, but somehow the left one had found its way to Dean's hip to steady him while the other settled on his arm. The arm that he noticed was now idly occupied by touching himself as he rode him.

Dean's other hand detangled itself from his hair, freeing Castiel's head from his grasp and traveled to his shoulder and held on tightly. The first thrust up into his lover was completely an involuntary twitch of his body responding to all of the stimuli. That combined with his hair finally being released, it almost was as though he sensed he had permission. He worried for a moment when Dean cried out sharply, but when he plunged back in for another kiss and squeezed Castiel's hips with his knees, he repeated the motion again and again.

Lost in the sea of motion, Dean rocking himself down onto Castiel, Castiel gently thrusting himself up into the heat above him, he felt himself grow closer to the man. He felt part of him begin to creep its way into him through his heart. It was the easiest way for him to get close enough to pick up on the fumes of the beauty which was Dean's soul. Not being able to simply reach in and touch like he once was made things more difficult, somehow though, this way was infinitely better.

He felt his body shake as he neared his apex and he remembered Dean's request. He squeezed his right hand tightly where it rested on his arm and focused his grace to that spot, trembling with the effort.

"Dean your eyes! Shut your eyes!" he grunted as he began to feel the faint warming sensation of his wings on his back. He knew that parts of his true form, broken and battered though it may be, were coming through. His intention was to focus his grace on only his hand, but with the sensations flowing through his body, it was incredibly difficult to focus.

His grip tightened even more as he thrust desperately into the man, his hand growing warm as he worked to pull him from perdition once more. Not in the sense that he once had when he pulled him from the gates of hell, but this time pulling him from his own internal torment he inflicted upon himself after all he had endured. Dean saw his soul as tainted, but it was truly not, and he would show him that- even if it took another mark to counteract the one of Cain, then he would oblige him.

"Oh Fuck!" He heard the curse just a moment before a warm fluid coated his stomach, and that was all it took to lose himself completely in the sensation. Desperately as he came he held onto Dean tightly as he filled the man's body with everything he could from the love he held in his heart for the man, to the grace touching his arm so tightly, to the semen he pumped inside him as he erupted.

In this, he felt Dean's soul reach out to him and touch him for the briefest of moments, simultaneously shattering his heart into an infinite amount of pieces, yet strengthening it as it slammed the pieces back together in their love for each other. No, he still could not reach in like he normally would, but this was far preferable in any circumstance he realized. Any other method he knew of to touch a human soul would cause immeasurable amounts of pain to the other, but this- at least with this he could provide some pleasure in the process as well.

"Do they hurt?" Dean asked as he pulled himself off, freeing himself from the no longer vice-like grip on his arm.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Castiel pondered as he watched the man tenderly brush a fingertip over the new bright red mark.

His lover chuckled in reply as he absently covered the scar with his own slightly larger palm with a smile. "Not really. It got hot. Really hot, but it wasn't like painful hot. If that makes any sense."

"I suppose I'll have to take your word for it." Castiel grunted as they disentangled fully and lay on the bed next to each other, Dean settling on laying down on his right side facing him to keep pressure off the new hand print.

"What were you asking about then?" Castiel pondered perplexed, regaining some of his sensibilities as he began to come down from the experience, pushing himself down a little lower to rest his head on a pillow with Dean, only to have to have a slippery mess begin to slide to the side of his stomach.

Quickly he reached over to the box of tissues he had so embarrassingly been defeated by last night, this time determined to win and  carefully pulled out a few with success this time. "Your wings. They looked like they were made out of light, but they were like pitch black-which I suppose is the normal part. But they were broken and bleeding this, smoky stuff almost. That definitely was not normal Cas." Castiel turned his head and gaped at him as he wiped the mess off of himself, tossing the tissue aside.

"You watched it?" He asked with disbelief, his heart suddenly pounding. "Dean I wasn't sure if you could. I mean I have a vessel-" he shook his head, that wasn't the right word. "I have my own body now, and I'm definitely weakened, but I wasn't sure if- I didn't want to hurt you." he stammered, not even sure what was more pressing in his mind at the moment. That Dean had deliberately ignored the danger. That he had potentially been strong enough to hold it in check. That maybe he was just weak enough that it wouldn't have mattered. That Dean was strong enough that it didn't matter anymore. The list was infinite in his brain over the span of only a millisecond, and he didn't know which one to explore first.

"Yeah, well. A lot has changed since we first met. Besides I've seen your wings before in the barn when I- um- kind of- stabbed you with the demon blade." he rubbed his head mumbling the last part as he looked away briefly as recounted the first time they met, shortly after he'd convinced Jimmy Novak to allow him to reside inside him. "You didn't answer my question." He blurted, changing the subject away from himself.

"Yes. They hurt." Castiel answered earnestly, not wanting to think about the pain he'd endured since he first stole his brother's grace, leaving him to die.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

The answer was not a simple one, and again a thousand reasons crossed his mind in too short of an amount of time. Because he'd already hurt the man more times than he could count. Because he wasn't even sure how many of those times were real or Naomi's mind fuck. Because he wasn't even aware of any other Angels who had been in this situation before or how to fix it. Because he couldn't literally fly anymore, so he was often flying by the seat of his own pants. Mostly though, because he wasn't sure he was worth what he so needed and craved due to his sins.

"I was kind of preoccupied before with the whole attack dog spell. I'm sorry for that by the way, and thank you for saving me." He answered with the path of the least resistance and took a breath before continuing, playing with a loose string on the blanket. "It hurts less when I'm with you though."

"Is that why you came to me last night?" He felt the other man's hand gently on his arm, moving his thumb back and forth at the back of his elbow.

"Yes. I would not have burdened you with this, had I not been to a point of unbearable agony. I know that-"

"Cut the crap." the command made him jump slightly. Nervously peering at the other man, yet affectionate green eyes peered back at him with a small smile.

"What crap?" Castiel considered aloud. There was no crap in what he was saying at the moment, it was purely genuine and he knew that Dean knew it.

"The 'I wouldn't have burdened you with this', bullshit. You have to tell me these things when they happen. I want to help. I -" he cut himself off and inhaled sharply for a moment. "Don't hide this shit from me dammit!" he continued,  those gorgeous green eyes grew dark as they bore a hole through him, showing just how serious he was.

"Okay." he offered without objection, clearly putting the subject to bed.

"What about now? How's the pain now?" Dean's hand brushed across his forehead and he melted into the warm sensation.

"Better. For now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how do you guys think this is going so far? I'm planning on keeping this going as long as I have ideas to keep writing. Anything you want to see these guys get themselves into?


	3. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is injured badly in a mission and Dean and Castiel rescue him. Back at the Bunker, things calm down and Sam walks into something Dean would rather he never saw.

 

What the hell were they thinking?

This was supposed to be a quick in and out mission with his brother and Castiel. How the fuck did this happen? What the fuck man? All they had wanted to do was go take out a couple of Werewolves that had started terrorizing a small town, and the next thing he knew a couple of Werewolves had turned into twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven.

Three against Twenty-fucking-seven. That's where the shit had hit the fan. Royally.

Never in his life had he heard of a pack that large.

Dean quickly ducked behind a combine that was parked in the old barn he was trying to take cover in while he reloaded his gun. He could hear his brother grunt as he fought and slashed with his machete from deeper in the barn, when he heard his brother scream. He knew that scream.

He was hurt.

Dean charged forward, aiming his gun at one of the Werewolves and shooting it in the heart with silver bullet. He aimed at a second  quickly before shooting that one too. There were far too many hiding in this barn for their mission to have been successful easily.

What the hell had they been thinking?

"Sammy!" He called out, receiving no reply as he rounded the corner to where he thought his brother should be, only to find a smear of blood. Time began to slow down and he felt cold begin to creep in as fear took over.

This was not fucking happening. They had been through far too much, come too far to have this happen now.

"Fuck!" he swore as he ran his hands through his hair with a wave of panic.

He followed the blood trail around the corner only to find the head of one of the Werewolves, beheaded , presumably by Sam. A shape darted at him from the corner of his eye. He was pinned to the ground faster than he could react, head mere inches from the blades of the combine as it impacted with the concrete below him.

Idly he wondered how what the Werewolves would think of the pink, lacy underwear he wore under his dirty jeans as they tore into his body. It was hardly the first time he'd worn them to battle, normally the possibility of getting caught somehow calming his nerves. Sometimes wore them to a particularly terrifying mission specifically for that purpose. Ironically enough, he was now harder than he ever thought possible as he felt himself get ripped back away from the combine to another form of doom, only to see Castiel's gorgeous blue eyes staring back at him.

"Man am I glad to see you. I thought I was done for." Worried eyes roamed over him as the other man dusted his shoulders off with a gruff motion.

"Are you alright Dean?" he asked as he pulled himself up by the outstretched hand.

"Yeah. I thought you were chasing the one that took off toward the river?" he asked as the man ripped his hand away, abruptly brandishing his Angel blade he so expertly hid up his sleeve.

"I did." he asked as he watched the man swing his Angel blade through the heart of a Werewolf that rushed at him from behind.

"You get it?" he asked as he shot at another Werewolf that came up behind Castiel, as it writhed in pain on the ground before abruptly stopping with a bang, shooting a second time through its heart.

"Yes." his Angel nodded at him.

"Good. Let's find Sammy." he said as they began following the blood smears up the stairs, nearly tripping on another Werewolf head as he continued. Good boy, fight your way away from them, just hold on. I'm coming for you.

He briefly debated on praying for his brother's safety to someone, anyone who would listen, but deciding the only one who would was already right next to him as he searched through the bodies and limbs for his brother.

Making his way up to the top of the stairs he stopped as he scanned over four bodies lying on the ground. Three were beheaded, the fourth faced away from him crumpled against a support beam, gasping and struggling to keep conscious.

"Sammy!" he called as he quickly he rounded the corner and dropped to his brother's side as he checked his injuries. He was bleeding pretty badly from a gash on his neck and looked about ten seconds from passing out.

"Dean." his brother groaned as he looked up at him with a pained look in his eyes. "We fucked up big time this time."

No shit.

"Hang on I got you." he pulled out a rag from his pocket and pressed it tightly to the injury. "They bite you?"

"Claws. I think it was it's claws. Check it though I'm not sure." his voice strained with the effort of maintaining consciousness while bleeding out.

Dean pulled the rag away from the injury to check for bite marks, pulling his shirt back in other places as he inspected his brother. Slight relief filled him at finding nothing but long scratches across his neck where he was bleeding profusely.

"Cas! Can you heal him?" he screamed as he replaced the rag in an effort keep as much of his brothers blood inside his body.

Castiel looked at the damage with a frown on his face. "My grace is still weak, but I can stop the bleeding at least."

"Thanks Cas." he said as he put Sam's hand on the rag to hold it still as he moved out of the Angel's way for him to move in to inspect the damage. Pressing two fingers on the skin of Sam's forehead, he shut his eyes as he concentrated his grace. He removed his fingers a moment later as Sam's hand fell away from his neck leaving smooth skin instead of the bloody mess it was.

"You are welcome." he looked at Dean, their eyes meeting for the briefest of moments before their attention went back to his brother. "Sam, you will need to take it easy for a while, I don't have the power to fully restore the blood in your veins." Castiel instructed Sam as they both helped him up.

"That's ok. I've been through worse." Sam grunted as they heaved him to a standing position.

"You ok there Sammy?" Dean asked as he caught his brother as he nearly fell over himself with the exertion of standing on his own.

"I'll be fine. Just get me to the car." he grunted.

It took some juggling for Dean and Castiel to get Sam down the stairs and out of the barn. That however, was as easy as pie compared to getting him into the Impala. Crowley was right. The guy was a fucking moose. He was sure his antlers got stuck on something as they tried to shove the man into the back seat. Once in the car, he laid down on his back to rest while they got the hell out of Dodge.

"Heya Sam, you want to stop at a motel and sleep this off?" Dean asked his brother as he turned the keys to the ignition, Castiel just now getting in the front passenger seat next to Dean.

"Nah. It's only a three hour drive home. I think I'll survive until then." Sam slurred slightly as he propped his head up slightly on a loose blanket in the back of the car.

"Want some food at least?" He asked his brother as he took off down the road toward the closest highway.

"Just hand me a water or something. I can't reach it." Dean's hand shot to the flat of unopened water bottles behind his seat, crashing into Castiel's as he leaned over and fished one out for Sam instead.

He watched out of the corner of his eyes as Cas opened the bottle for his brother and pressed it into his hand before turning back around in his seat. He couldn't hold back the smile on his face as he watched his lover care for his brother.

Honestly it was good to admit that he was in love with the man. It had only been a week since Cas had come to him that night and they had finally admitted how they had felt about each other for literally years. For the first time in a long time, things felt just right.

Well, mostly. Sam still didn't know, and he wasn't exactly looking forward to telling him. He couldn't say why exactly, other than this shit should just be fucking private.

So when he'd been driving for at least a half an hour and Sam was more than well passed out in the back seat, he shouldn't have felt so tense when Castiel's fingers wrapped in with his on the seat next to him. But he did. He felt himself actually sweating a bit and he found himself glad that the fan was on to cool himself. Sure, he could have pulled his hand away, but he chose not to.

Instead he just drove on. Playing with fire as always. Part of him scared shitless that Sam would wake up and see how Castiel's fingers were woven in with his. How Castiel's hand gave his fingers a light squeeze when he was lost too far in his own thoughts and began speeding too much. How Castiel looked at him out of the corner of his eye with a grin on his face. How he kept looking at Castiel out of the corner of his own eyes with a light blush and a grin tugging on his own lips.

The other part of him just wanted this next step to be over and hoped that his brother saw all of that just so he didn't have to tell him anything at all. He didn't want to have to go through the whole 'So, Sam. I need to tell you something about me and Castiel' thing. He didn't want to have to deal with his brother's reaction, mainly because he partially believed- not a big part granted- that his brother might reject him because of it somehow.

He spent the rest of the drive home to the bunker with his heart randomly racing in panic whenever Sam moved even an inch. Still he didn't move his hand from Castiel's, if anything when he had these little heart attacks of his, he held on tighter as if he were his lifeline and he didn't dare let go.

When they parked the Impala in out front of the Bunker, he quickly woke up Sam and again they helped him into the Bunker and to his bed down the hall from Dean's.

"Dude. I need a shower." Sam mumbled as they lay him down on his bed, struggling to get back up as he pressed his brother back into the mattress.

"Dude, you need to get some fluids in you and rest. Lay the fuck down." He quickly got  some Gatorade, crackers and some of that organic turkey jerky he was so big on lately out of the kitchen for his brother.

"Sammy." he called as he sat on the edge of the bed, unscrewing the lid on the bottle and gently lifted his brother's head to sip the Gatorade. He watched him take a few sips and then he carefully screwed the lid back on placing it on the night stand as he shoved a stick of the jerky in his mouth. Sam grabbed it and tore off a big piece of the jerky and chewed on it slowly.

"Get some rest, Bitch."

"Thanks Jerk."

Dean smiled at his brother and lightly punched him in the shoulder as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him and Castiel as they left.

Dean walked down the hall a ways with Castiel close behind him, twining their fingers together again as they walked.

"So, what do you say to getting cleaned up?" he asked as he opened the door to the bathroom.

He was met with a curious look from Castiel.

"Dude. I'm filthy, and I need a shower. You're kind of grody too." he pursed his lips as he gave him the once over.

"I suppose a shower would be useful." he mused as they walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind them, Castiel hanging up his dirtied trench coat before he loosened his torn tie, slipping it over his head and onto another hook on the door.

Dean pushed Castiel up against the wall and pressed his lips against his. Grinding his hips against his body, feeling the silken smooth texture of the panties press against his own cock.

Shit.

He forgot about the panties.

Ever since Ronda Hurley had made him wear her panties that one day when he was nineteen, he hadn't been able to get it out of his mind. It had taken him three years to do it, but eventually he bought his own pair and kept them hidden from everyone. At first he'd only worn them once the first year he owned them, maybe twice the next year as he jerked off in private. After they lost their dad though, every chance he got he'd wear them, he even owned nine pairs now- each a different color- which he kept in a false bottom in his underwear drawer. Hell he'd even begun wearing them on missions now that they had the bunker.

Whether it was having a home that made him feel secure enough to do it, or that having a home made him long for some kind of security while he was away he wasn't sure. They were reassuring somehow though in times of stress he had found himself wearing them more and more often.

That was why he had put them on before going on the mission today. Hadn't really given it any thought really, just slipped them on while Castiel was helping Sam get the Impala ready and had left wearing them like he had probably fifty times.

He just hadn't told Castiel about them.

He hadn't told anyone about them. Except himself, but even that was weird now that he thought about it.

God he was going to be sick.

"What's wrong Dean?" Castiel cocked his head to the side in concern with the question.

"I-" he swallowed. "I, um." God this was stupid. He'd fucked himself on the other man's cock a week ago when he'd asked him to re-fucking-brand him for fuck's-sake. He'd had lots of sex with the man every chance he got, yet he couldn't bring himself to tell him about the panties.

Why was it so damn hard for him to fucking say what he thought or felt?

He liked women's panties, and he was wearing them. He couldn't say it, the words wouldn't come out. He just couldn't do it, but he couldn't run away and change now without him seeing either.

So he dropped his pants instead, kicking them to corner of the bathroom, turning redder than he'd ever been in his life in the process as he guided Castiel's hands to the edges of the pink satin panties.

"Are these what is making you nervous?" Castiel asked curiously as his hands rubbed the texture of the lace which ran around the edge. He felt himself stiffen as he touched him, pressing the rough lace into his hip, and he could only nod his head 'yes' in reply with his own eyes wide in near panic.

"They are just underwear Dean. Why are they making you upset?" Cas calmly and rationally asked as he stepped in closer to him, yet their distance remained the same. Apparently he was walking slowly backward, still unconsciously holding Castiel's hands in place on his hip.

"They are women's panties Cas." he stated plainly as he felt his rear bump into the sink in the bathroom.

"Then why did you wear them if they cause you distress?" Castiel closed the distance and wrapped his arms around him in reassurance.

"I kinda like them." his voice came out rough and thick as he felt even more blood rush to his penis.

Fuck.

As much as he was afraid of being caught, the humiliation of this actually happening was making him even more aroused, if that was even possible.

Castiel pulled away and watched him for a moment, his cheeks burning as those blue eyes roamed over his body, pausing at the growing bulge under the pink satin.

"I see." Castiel roughly pressed his lips to his and began to peel off his blood stained flannel shirt, dropping it to the side then lifting his filthy t-shirt over his head, tossing that in a heap with the rest of his clothing.

He couldn't stop himself from moaning as he felt the man's lips pressing kisses into his collar bone, stopping to nip at one of his nipples on his way down. Oh god this couldn't be any fucking better. He fucking got it. At least he thought Cas got it by how he was acting.

Nope, he definitely got it, he thought to himself as he felt the panties pulled down to expose his cock, silken material still snugly pressing into the flesh of his testicles. No sooner had the cool air hit his penis, than a warm wet sensation engulfed him as Castiel took him into his mouth.

A small warble escaped his lips a quick moment before he regained control of himself, afraid to wake Sam down the hall. He'd managed to have sex with Castiel nearly every single day this last week in one form or another without being disturbed by his brother, and he intended on keeping it that way.

If Castiel was going to keep sucking the way he was, that might be a problem by the low groan that escaped his lips.

Fuck where did he learn how to do that anyway?

He felt Castiel's head bob up and down on his cock, until the panties loosened on his hips as the man's hands slipped away and he heard a zipper. Leaning forward to see what was happening, he was met with the bluest eyes amidst a sea of stubble and dirt. His lover's mouth firmly wrapped around his own penis as the man worked his tongue over the underside of his flesh. Just when he thought he couldn't take any more, his lover's cheeks caved in as he sucked long and hard as he felt himself sink deep into his throat.

His hips bucked involuntarily, and one of Castiel's hands came back up to brace himself for better leverage on his hips. Hands gripping tightly onto the silky texture of the panties as he continued to work him over. Castiel's own eyes grew darker, his shoulder moving back and forth slowly as he pleasured himself while he sucked.

Dean tried to wrap his head around what was happening. Castiel was jerking himself off while giving him the best damn blow job he'd had in his life. All while he wore pink satiny panties with lace on them.

It was the most lewd sight he'd ever seen and he couldn't take any more of it as he felt himself begin to reach a desperation and he gently grabbed the back of Castiel's head as he thrust himself into the man's mouth. It only took a few more thrusts and he felt his testicles tighten as he came down his throat, each spurt swallowed as he rode the waves of ecstasy down.

Involuntary sounds erupted from his lips as twitches wracked his body. Castiel's tongue continuing to work small circles around the head of his penis while he softened. The mouth working him over suddenly flew wide, slipping off of his member as he pressed his face into the pink fabric covering Dean's hip with a moan as his eyes flew shut with a shudder. Hot liquid poured onto Dean's leg with each convulsion of Castiel's orgasm.

"Fuck Cas- That was- Fuck." Dean exclaimed as he stroked Castiel's hair.

"You said that multiple times already before you ejaculated." Castiel grinned wickedly as he picked himself up from the floor, finally dropping his pants past his ankles and shedding his shirt. Dean pulled Castiel closer and kissed him chastely, briefly worrying he'd woken his brother.

"I'm sorry Dean I smudged your panties." Castiel said shyly as he pulled away, pointing to the spots where he'd gripped onto them for leverage with his dirt smudged hands.

Damned if he hadn't added a step to his kink right then and there. They were both still filthy and if he'd thought about it before he would have cum in his panties before Cas could have even blown him.

"They'll wash." he replied nonchalantly, brain nearing overload after orgasm. "We should get clean."

"Yes." Castiel nodded and headed to the over-sized corner tub, reaching the knobs on the side and plugging the drain as it filled.

Dean watched as he stepped into one end of the tub, playing with the dials on the water for a moment as he adjusted the temperature before splashing water over his face, scrubbing vigorously.

Looking at himself in the mirror, his hand ran back to the newly re-branded grace scar he had asked Castiel for last week. Now that it was back, he found it more comforting than he had remembered even, like a piece of himself was missing that had been given back. A warm sensation remained permanently on that spot as a reminder, this time not of Dean's failing, his sins, but of Castiel's love.

For him.

He'd filled himself with such self-hate and loathing that at one point he had worried he might do something incredibly stupid to himself. Some parts of him still ached from the raw hurt he'd carried for so long, but they were quickly fading now that he had something, someone to hold onto. Someone who took out all of the bad and filled him with so much joy that he couldn't imagine life without him anymore. Someone who seemed to need him just as much as he needed them.

Hell he couldn't even remember what life had been like before he met Castiel.

He'd always felt better about life when he had a purpose, someone to live for, to take care of. Until this point though, he hadn't cared this much about anyone else before now. The deep, cold heavy burden he'd strapped inside himself, now seemed to feel much warmer, lighter, almost freer.

Dean dropped the panties on the floor finally and ran a hand across the imprint line that ran across his hips and over his testicles from where they had been pulled tight. Glancing up from inspecting the lace imprint, a now clean Castiel motioned to him to join.

He picked the opposite side from his lover and sank into tub with a sigh as the warm water rose to his stomach as the tub filled. Gently he tucked his feet up next to the man he was growing to desire to share so much of his life with, as he leaned his head back and waited as the water slowly rose to his chest.

Missions always wore him out to the point of exhaustion, but until they found the bunker, he found he could never fully relax after one. It was good to finally have a home. He'd been excited when they found it, having always wanted one, but never really believing that it was possible. Living on the road as a hunter could do that to you.

Even with the fact that the Steins had broken in and lead to him nearly killing Castiel-no he was not going down that path again.

This was too nice right now. Besides, after that they had beefed up the security around the place from the spells, to installing better locks and sturdier doors and an actual security system that monitored all possible points of entry or interest. Hell they could even check it form their phone on a secured server to ensure the coast was clear before going home.

Not that he'd used it often. That one was kind of Sam's baby, feeling guilty after Charlie died and wanting to somehow keep her legacy alive through the technology she loved.

Dammit. NO. He wasn't doing this right now.

Even with everything that had happened, he still felt safer here anywhere than anywhere else they had ever encountered in their lives.

A quick tickle on his foot, followed by a gentle pressure spurred him out of his trance, as he opened his eyes to see Castiel rubbing soap into his flesh as he massaged his foot.

"That feels good Cas." he groaned as he propped up his head to watch the other man dote on him.

Castiel just smiled at him as he worked over a sore spot on his foot. If he didn't love the man before, he sure did now he mused as Cas moved to the other foot to give it the same treatment.

"Come here." Cas murmured as he released his foot, placing it back in the hot water.

Dean turned in the tub, leaning back against Castiel between his legs as strong fingers began to rub soap into his shoulders, pausing to work out the tense spots. Firm grip working deep into the muscles as he leaned in, tension releasing as a pain he hadn't even realized was in his neck began to fade.

Hot water poured over his neck and head as Castiel used the rinse cup to carefully wet down his hair before beginning to work the shampoo into his scalp.

This was definitely something he could get used to.

Strong fingers worked through his short hair, massaging as they worked the shampoo through and he began to feel himself begin to drift.

Barely noticing as the sudsy water was rinsed away from his hair, only aware of the strong arms pulling him tight into the chest behind him, his mind wandered to a pleasant place in his mind he was rarely allowed the luxury of during his life.

* * *

 

_Sam was happy and healthy, researching something in the library of the bunker. Castiel was sitting reading a book in Enochian with smile on his face, occasionally chuckling at something he read. Dean was curled up next to him reading one of his own, some cheesy romance novel or something as he glanced up at his lover._

_Sam had made some cheesy comment and he flipped him off before going back to his book, snuggling closer to Castiel's shoulder. The warmth of the fireplace radiating into his bones._

_Wait, since when did they have a fireplace in the library?_

_He was dreaming._

_This was a dream and he was dreaming in the dream._

_Dream Dean sure was intelligent. What with the words and the thoughts and the sentences._

_Castiel sure felt nice though. He snuggled back into him as he continued reading the cheesy romance novel, knowing full well he wouldn't ever be caught dead reading something like that in the real world. At least not by Sam._

_He had read numerous romance novels before in the past, but always kept them hidden from his brother in the bottom of his duffel. Only pulling them out when he was certain he was alone, resorting to sometimes reading them in the bathroom on the toilet just to get away when things got really good in the book._

_Dream Dean apparently didn't give a flying-mother-fuck who knew he liked to read girly book porn, and even blatantly did so in front of his brother. Also apparently blatantly cuddled with his new boyfriend in front of his brother._

_Yeah. Like that would happen._

_Still though, this happy place, certainly was a happy place._

_Just when he thought it couldn't be an even happier place, he could smell apple pie. Nice warm apple pie, just sitting next to the fireplace in the library of all places._

_Because that was a logical place for a fireplace._

_Wait, when did he start thinking of him as his boyfriend?_

* * *

 

Warm water splashed on his face gently as Castiel's fingers washed away the last litle bit of grime from their mission.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." Castiel murmured as he wiped the last bit of soap from his face.

"Mmmmh. This is nice Cas." he replied as he sleepily stroked the other man's knee. He noticed the temperature of the water seemed slightly cooler than he remembered. "How long have I been asleep?"

"About an hour. I wanted to let you rest. I know you had a hard day with your brother being injured and I thought it would be nice let someone take care of you for once."

"Yeah." his throat constricted with the words, not knowing really how to react with the emotions that bubbled up. He focused on the leg next to him, trying to will the reaction away.

It worked. He could be horny instead.

His cock was slowly reviving itself as he focused on every inch of skin he could touch. The lightly toned abs pressing into his back. The arms wrapped around his shoulders. The knee his hand stroked lightly. The lips gently pressing butterfly kisses into the back of his neck.

"We should probably go back to my bedroom." he looked back at the blue eyes behind him and their lips awkwardly pressed together.

"I think that is a wise decision."

The two of them stood from the bath, Cas pulling the plug to allow the tub to drain it's now filthy water as Dean grabbed two large towels. Handing one to his lover, he stepped out of the tub and ran the towel over his hair before drying the rest of his body quickly.

He stooped to pick up his grungy clothing and wrapped them in the towel before grabbing his favorite 'dead-guy-robe'- as his brother had so eloquently named them. Robe hung on his shoulders, he tied the belt shut around his waist as he turned to look at Castiel donning a similar robe.

Quickly he unlocked the door and headed down the hall into his bedroom with his bundle of clothes, tossing them into the hamper. Castiel walked in door a moment later and tossed his trench coat on the floor next to the door before closing it.

He had noticed Castiel had taken to tossing his trench coat on the floor of his bedroom just before they ended up having sex on his bed. The thought might be turning into a kink of his, and he felt himself grow stiffer at the sight.

Sure enough, Castiel stripped his robe, heading straight for Dean and his hands untied the belt around his waist as if he were a Christmas present, tossing the wrapping aside. Castiel's lips caught his own briefly before turning to lay on his back on the bed, tugging his hand toward him before letting go.

Dean grabbed the bottle of lube from the night stand and climbed on top of him as he opened the bottle. Spreading some of the slick liquid onto his fingers, he reached down between Castiel's wide spread legs, gently sliding his fingers in to loosen him up.

"Dean. I want you now. Just do it." Castiel begged and writhed under him as he pressed a finger into his prostate.

"I don't want to hurt you Cas."

"You won't. I promise." he was right. He was back to healing others sure, and he didn't have a mark on him from the battle today, so that must have meant he was healing himself now too. It felt a little weird not getting him ready first, but he trusted him.

So, instead of working his fingers into his body until he was satisfied he wouldn't cause him any discomfort, he slicked himself and positioned his member at the entrance before pressing in the tight ring of muscle with a grunt. Sinking into his body until he could not go any further, he leaned forward to brace himself as he allowed his partner to adjust before he slipped out slightly and thrust back in tentatively.

"Oh!" Castiel grunted as he thrust again, he felt himself moan in response again and again with each thrust. He pressed his lips to Castiel's tightly in an effort to silence them both, just as a loud crash erupted behind them as the door flew open.

"Hey Dean, do you want any-" Sam walked through the door, abruptly stopping as he took in the sight before him. Dean swallowed his tongue as he bounced up and away from Castiel with the sudden intrusion trying vainly to cover himself and Cas with a pillow.

"Hello Sam." Castiel calmly said as he held the pillow Dean had thrown on his crotch.

"Oh god! Sorry!" Sam cut himself off as he retreated, slamming the door so hard behind him it bounced open again. "Sorry! Sorry!" he cried again as he blindly reached into the room to try to close the door behind him.

He stood there gaping like a fish trying to process what had just happened when the door opened one more time, Sam poking his head again in with a hand over his eyes.

"For the record, I'm glad you two finally stopped being such idiots about how you feel about each other. You really are kind of cute together." he said with a small smirk on his face.

"Sammy! Get out!" was the only reaction he could think to come up with at the moment, now that he had coughed his tongue back up out of his throat. He was pretty sure he was going to kill his brother for this one, injured or not. He was going to fucking pay. Unless he passed out first.

That was a definite possibility.

"So I was going to ask if you guys are going to be hungry soon? I'm starving, so I'm going to make some dinner." Sammy called from behind the door as Castiel stood and walked over to Dean's side.

"I think food would be a wise decision Sam." Castiel replied for him through the closed door. Dean flinched as he, gently touched his shoulder for reassurance.

"Ok. I'll have food ready in like twenty then. Just um- come get it when you're ready." he swore he heard a chuckle from the other side of the door.

"Go away Sammy!" Dean bellowed as he threw the pillow at the door, how dare that bitch laugh at him right now!

Puke. He was going to puke, and Castiel wanted to fucking eat?

Everyone hated him. They were plotting against him as he stood there. He was sure of it.

"Take a deep breath Dean." Castiel's voice was deep and soothing as he rubbed small circles into his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. "It's alright."

"He just fucking walked in on us Cas!" he whispered loudly, afraid now that Sam would hear anything he said.

"Yes, he did." Cas confirmed as he began to sway slightly from side to side as if he were trying to comfort a small child.

"Fuck!" he swore as he wrapped his arms tightly around his boyfriend. Yeah that's how he was thinking of him now dammit. This was serious now wasn't it? He felt every muscle in his body grow rigid and his eyes hurt. In his adrenaline he had apparently forgotten how to blink, so he did so forcefully, vision going blurry in the process.

"Relax Dean. It's done. I know you've been worried about this. You get tense every time I'm near you outside of this room." Those were not tears dammit. He must have damaged his eyes by not blinking or something. The warm fluid running down his cheeks were not tears.

"He's supportive of us." Castiel continued, and he heard what he said, it was even understood the words that came out, but it just didn't make any sense. There was no logic in his statement.

"What do you mean he's supportive of us?" he snapped, trying unsuccessfully to jerk away from the man as he pulled him back in an embrace.

"He said, and I quote 'For the record, I'm glad you two finally stopped being such idiots about how you feel about each other. You really are kind of cute together.' It's what he actually said Dean. I may be confused about human interactions sometimes, but that one was pretty clear, even for me. We should go probably talk to him."

"What? No." he was crazy. They were both crazy. How was any of this ok?

"You are going to have to talk to him eventually." Castiel countered, still rubbing small circles in his back as he rocked form side to side.

"No. I'm going to move to fucking China, change my fucking name and hide from him for at least twenty fucking years." he fumed. Fuck his brother. Fuck the bunker. Fuck all of this shit. He was so fucking done.

"No you won't." Castiel calmly countered.

"Oh yeah, why?" Dean fumed.

"Because I'm not going to China." Castiel replied, and his heart stopped.

"Oh. Crap. I guess I'm not moving to fucking China then." he might be pissed at his brother, and if he was honest with himself, he was more embarrassed than anything, but this wasn't something that he could deal with without Castiel.

Ok. He could do this then. He released himself from Castiel and walked over to his dresser. He'd just put on some clothes from his dresser and go talk to his brother.

"Are you alright Dean?" Castiel asked as he stared at the dresser.

The dresser didn't open itself.

"Yeah." he lied as he reached forward and pulled the drawer out, grabbing the first t-shirt that was there and practically threw it at Castiel for him to put on. Quickly he grabbed the next one on the stack and slid it on his body. Closing the drawer and opening the second, he found a pair of underwear- regular manly-man underwear, the kind that was boring and white, made out of cotton- and put them on, tossing an extra pair to Castiel.

It donned on him how odd it was that he was sharing underwear with another man, but considering everything they have done together it didn't really seem like it mattered a whole lot. He should take the man clothes shopping sometime though.

His closet had some room to spare.

He pushed the random hopeful thought out of his mind for the moment as he focused on quickly getting jeans on the both of them. Next step was socks. He got them each a pair and grabbed his shoes as he sat on the bed to dress his feet.

Once his shoes were tied, he sat there staring at the door, dreading what was coming next. Castiel took his hand and stood up, but he couldn't move.

"I think I need a minute." his mind blank now and he wasn't quite sure why.

Castiel just sat down next to him on the bed and held his hand tightly as his head stopped spinning.

He was a fucking hunter dammit. Why was he so panicked about this? Probably didn't help that he hadn't eaten in like what- since before the mission began- that had to be like ten hours.

Food sounded good. He was going to blame it on lack of food. That was a good idea. He stood and walked to the door, Castiel close behind, opening it with a swift motion heading down the hallway to the kitchen where smells of something with tomato wafted out.

"So. Sam. About what you saw." he began as he rounded the corner.

"Look, man I'm really sorry I interrupted you two. My bad." his brother chuckled with nervous laughter as he stirred a large pot full of spaghetti noodles.

"I- Well- We- Um- You see-" he stammered, not quite sure where to begin.

"Look. I get it. I've seen you struggle with things for a while now since you first met him. I've seen him struggle with things too. I mean really, you both exchange glances at each other when the other isn't looking. I think your timing was just always colossally off man. At least from what I saw. I would have said something to you if I weren't completely convinced you'd rabbit on me, or break my jaw, or both. This is really a relief for me honestly. I mean I don't have to deal with the fucking tension between the two of you anymore." He glanced over his shoulder as he talked, stirring what looked like his famous 'canned organic spaghetti sauce' aka 'not ragu' as it simmered.

God he hoped he put something with beef in there this time, and not that tofu or tofurkey crap he liked to buy sometimes.

"Sammy, I-." his words cut off in his throat and he wasn't sure why.

"Don't sweat it man. Seriously, just breathe." Sam replied. He inhaled deeply in protest, and realized that he probably did need oxygen. It was kind of nessicary.

"Why do you and Cas keep telling me to fucking breathe?" he argued before he could force his mouth shut again.

"Because you aren't." Sam countered. Thanks captain obvious, he'd just realized that himself. He wasn't really angry, just drained.

"Oh- You're really ok with this?" he asked defeated. It had been a long day. A long bad day. Well, not entirely bad. It had however been a long emotionally draining day. All damn day long.

"You're my brother dude. Why do I care what the gender is of who you put your dick in?" He felt himself choke on his own tongue again.

Cough "What?" he blurted as he forced his tongue back out of his throat for the second time in such a short amount of time.

"Just sayin. Besides, Cas is a good guy. He's good for you, and I think you're good for him." he said as he turned the burner off of the sauce.

"Sam?" Dean asked numbly, not even knowing what was coming out of his mouth before his brain shoved it out of his face.

"Yeah?" he asked as he lifted the pot of boiling noodles off the stove and took it over to the sink to drain of the excess water.

"Thanks." he rubbed at his head absently as his brain turned to jelly.

"No problem. Get some plates out, Spaghetti is ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Faster update this time! Yay! It makes it easier when I actually have time to write things. Also when I'm procrastinating on writing things I actually should write, then this stuff comes out instead. 
> 
> Anyway, Feedback is always welcome. What do you guys think of this so far?


	4. Restraint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel explores some interesting thoughts he has had bouncing around in his mind after catching Dean wearing women's panties.
> 
> He makes Dean aware of these thoughts, and ends up learning a whole lot more about the man and experimenting with some things he never thought he would.

 

 

Castiel sat at the computer, unsure of where to start looking for answers to the question which had been lurking in his mind for quite some time when Dean walked into the library. He felt his cheeks burn as he watched the man-now his lover- set down a large paper bag of ingredients they were going to use for some summoning spell.

"Hey Cas. Whatcha looking at?"

"Research." Castiel wasn't even sure where to begin with explaining this to Dean.

"On what?" Dean walked over and sat in the chair next to him.

"When my brothers had deceived me into believing they were going to return me to Heaven to help cure me while I was under the Attack Dog spell-" Castiel paused for a moment as he swallowed the unpleasant memories that burbled up. They had discussed what had happened before, and agreed things were fine.

Hell, things were more than fine now between them.

"They handcuffed me to restrain me. I thought they were taking me to Heaven, but - I can't seem to stop thinking about the handcuffs." Castiel had a lingering thought in his mind. An idle wonder he couldn't help but shake.

Castiel still didn't like thinking about what he had happened. He was not liking having to process this particular emotion, and he decided he disliked guilt.

"You mean like the ones we put you in after we found you in - in here?" Dean asked, glancing nervously to the spot on the floor next to the stack of books they had found them lying next to in this very room. The occasional whiff of Gasoline could still be smelled even though it had been half a year since the Stynes tried to burn the books of the Bunker.

"Yes." Castiel replied. It had been two and a half months since they had purged the effects of the spell from his body, but he couldn't get it out of his mind how very hard controlling everything was.

"Does it bother you? That we put them on you?" Dean's hand was now covering his own, as if squeezing their fingers together would keep him from remembering how his own siblings tried to hack his brain with ice picks. Fortunately it was working, if only marginally.

"Not when you put them on me, no. They were- reassuring." he pulled himself back to the thought that had been lingering since he'd caught Dean in the women's panties the other week. Castiel had felt as though he had somehow invaded Dean's personal space, he had been so embarrassed about it initially.

But Dean was so excited about being caught that things had pleasantly escalated quickly.

"I did not so much enjoy them when the Angels put them on me, but somehow, I felt more in control."

"Yeah, well you were out of control right then, so a little control was useful I suppose." Dean shrugged. Disappointment shot though him as Castiel realized that Dean didn't understand this quite as intuitively as he had hoped he would. Hell Castiel didn't even understand quite as much as he had hoped, but Dean had a lot more experience being human and he had hoped he would be able to make sense of this strange desire of his.

"Dean, I want you to put them on me again." maybe if he elaborated like Dean had with him, Dean would understand.

"Cas we got rid of that curse. You're good now." he replied with a small squeeze of his hand and kiss on his forehead. Dean seemed nervous about contact when Sam was in the room still, which unfortunately was quite often. Now though, was fortunately not one of those times since Sam had decided to get dinner, and Castiel sighed at the contact. He would never get enough of this man touching him.

"I know. I am no longer suffering the effects of the spell, but with feeling so much more emotion lately- and for some reason after you wore the panties the other day- I cannot stop thinking about how they felt on my skin. Dean I don't know what this means." He'd explained all he could, hopefully Dean would know what this meant.

"Oh." he seemed almost disappointed, then "OH." as though he had realized something that Castiel had not, followed by an excited "OH!- I have an idea." though the smirk on his face, and the darkening of his eyes was not lost on Castiel.

Dean reached over to the computer and typed something into the search bar, then leaned back to reveal images of men and women tied in various positions, most of which looked uncomfortable, yet arousing.

Castiel took the mouse back and began scrolling through the images ranging from those restrained with handcuffs while gagged, to simply tied with copious amounts of rope. Sometimes suspended in the air from a ring attached to the ceiling with elaborate ties.

One of the images, oddly enough was a rubber ducky with a gag and leather studded skin tight suit.

Several of the images had another person hitting the person with different objects from a cane to a flogger. The implements he was familiar with from his years of watching humans. The behavior was something he was familiar with even, having watched many people be tortured for various reasons. Though Dean's reaction was not what he expected.

He shifted in his seat to make room for the growing restriction his slacks were creating as he scrolled down past several images of intricate and ornate ties that looked incredibly restrictive.

His own reaction was not what he would have expected from himself, given how recently he had been tortured. Yet the reaction was definitely there. Same as when Dean had admonished him for getting an erection with the Pizza man pornography he'd watched several years earlier.

Dean was not bothered by it this time, and appeared to have the same reaction to the images on the screen.

"It's been a while since I've wanted to find a girl who wanted to do that kind of thing with me. I guess though, it's more popular now that damn "Fifty-Shades of Grey" book came out. That shit was kind of rapey. Fucker ignores damn near all of her safe words." Dean looked stricken for a moment. "I can't believe I just admitted I read that piece of shit girly-porn-book."

"Safe word?" Castiel ignored Dean's embarrassment, knowing if he mentioned it Dean would shut him out, so he simply continued the topic, hoping it wasn't already too late. As long as he could keep Dean talking, then maybe he could learn some things that might make more sense to him about what he was wanting.

"Yeah, when people, um, play." Dean rubbed at his neck as his cheeks flushed, but he thankfully continued talking. "It's a word they can call out- that's not something that can be confused for anything else- to let their partner know that something either needs to change, or stop, for any reason."

Castiel's eyebrows went up at the growing knowledge that this was apparently something people did for pleasure. Something which he apparently had stumbled into somehow wanting to take part of without knowing what he even wanted.

"What's an example of one?" Castiel probed, wanting-needing to know more, not just about the handcuffs now, but the whole concept. The pictures he saw, the excitement on Dean's face that drove him on despite his embarrassment. Castiel suddenly needed to know all of it for some reason.

"Some people use a random word they will never call out in real life, like say, Zebra or Xylophone." Dean beamed as he explained, pulling up an article on safe words, leaving it on the screen for Castiel to read in the background as he talked. "Or some use a scale, like Green for don't you fucking dare stop. Yellow for, I don't like this shit, do something else. And Red for Fuck this shit. I'm done. Let me out like two minutes ago. And maybe give me some fucking chocolate."

"And this person in 'Fifty-Shades of Grey' ignores them?" Castiel wondered why anyone would do this. From what Dean and the article were explaining, safe words seemed important for those who participated in these activities with each other to ensure that everyone was having a good time. There were even multiple points in the article on the screen on how imperative it was to listen to them in the event one was called, it was a violation of trust to disregard them.

"Yeah, a few different times." Dean shifted uncomfortably again. "It's kind of, really fucked up actually." Castiel watched Dean's hand idly go to his collar bone, where he'd removed a giant hook when he first pulled him out of Hell. He knew Dean had begged Alastair to stop multiple times, witnessed the horror from the outside as he was trying to lay siege to rescue him.

How was this even something people enjoyed? Why was he so curious about this all of a sudden? What kind of a person was he? Castiel grew more and more discomforted with his own not-fading erection as the conversation continued, but this had been Dean's insight to his question. Would Dean suggest, and even express interest, in something which was horrifying to him?

"Why did you read this book then?" It made no sense the man would have read it given how he had suffered at Alastair's hands. Or did it? Dean had said he'd not wanted to find anyone to do this sort of thing with. Maybe Dean hadn't had much desire after what he had endured.

"Well, I used to kind of like BDSM. Before, um- we met-" Dean cut himself off, confirming Castiel's suspicions. "But when I realized the book was horrible, I couldn't stop reading it because it was like a giant fucking train-wreck. It wasn't even a good train-wreck, but I couldn't stop, it was that bad." Dean's discomfort dropped, reverting back to his previous embarrassment.

"BDSM?" Castiel caught himself asking, involuntarily continuing the discussion before he could stop himself, worry sinking in at his inability to control his own curiosity.

"It's kind of an overlapping abbreviation for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism." Dean explained as he pulled up another explanation in a different article.

"Sadism?" That sounded ominous, Castiel thought to himself as he briefly read the short explanation on the screen, matching almost verbatim what Dean had stated.

"Not the true intent to cause harm," Dean shook his head seriously before he continued, "more like a person who wants to be the one to cause the, uh-" Dean paused for a moment with another smirk of discomfort. "sensation or whatever on the other person, and watch their reactions. It's totally mutually agreed on by both parties." he stressed finally.

"I see. And you used to play with girls?" Castiel wondered aloud before it occurred he should probably not mention the gender of Dean's past sexual partners too much, given his tendency to still worry about what people would think.

"Occasionally." Dean shifted in his seat.

"What safe words did you use?" Worried about the simple one word answer, Castiel thought it was best to push a different aspect of this conversation, for fear that Dean would wall himself off as he was so reticent to do.

"I always liked Green-Yellow-Red. That way, even if you were in a headspace where you couldn't really think or talk, you could at least say if you were good, or something needed to change." Castiel was relieved at the abrupt change in Dean's reaction, shifting back to his excited expression from the beginning of the conversation.

"Headspace?" Castiel was confused at the word, and beginning to suspect he was overloading himself with so much information, but his interest in the subject was not waning. In fact, Dean's enthusiasm despite his discomfort had renewed said interest.

"It's the way you feel while you are in a scene." Dean explained simply.

"Scene?" Castiel felt his confusion growing, now unsure of how much more of this topic he could process on his own.

"Where you are playing with someone. Doing the things to them you agreed with each other to do."

"What did you used to do to the girls you had scenes with?" Maybe examples would help the information sink in. Something to help make it feel relevant, rather than an abstract concept bouncing off the walls of his consciousness.

"Actually, most of the time I wanted them to tie me up and um- spank me. Then if they wanted to blow me, that was fine too. But sometimes I would switch things up a bit and be the one on the- uh top and- do things to them."  Castiel watched Dean reply as his cheeks burned red, glaring at a spot on the computer screen.

"Like how you enjoyed it when I blew you wearing the panties?" They had briefly discussed the panties, but Dean seemed embarrassed about it when he had brought it up, so he had dropped the subject before he got much feedback about it. He knew from Dean's reaction that he had enjoyed it, but felt slightly confused by what had happened. It was as if the humiliation itself was what he had enjoyed, and if that was the case, then it was possible he had already inadvertently had a scene with him without discussing it first.

"Yeah, that was fucking hot for the record." Relief from discomfort he hadn't even been aware of suddenly flooded Castiel's mind.

"I had no idea what I was doing, but you enjoyed it so I didn't stop." if Dean had told him to stop, even without a safe word, he absolutely would have no question, so maybe not knowing what he was doing wasn't that bad of a thing in that instance.

"Yeah. Uh- Good call on that one." Dean pulled Castiel's head in for a chaste kiss. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder, straining awkwardly over both the chair arms while he felt Dean's hand gently rub back and forth on his spine.

"So you interested in trying any of this out? I still have a duffel bag of my restraints- not the ones from the demon dungeon. If you like it at all, we can maybe even get some more toys to add to the collection. Otherwise if you are freaked out by this, then we can find something else to do." Dean asked. Castiel knew he was providing an easy out for both of them to ease his own nerves, but Castiel could tell he seemed a bit eager through this whole conversation, and didn't want to let the man down.

"I am. Interested, that is." Besides, he found himself genuinely interested.

"Yeah?" Dean asked hopefully.

"Yes." Castiel looked up, pressing his lips to Dean's again, tongues briefly touching gently before Dean jerked away nervously as they heard a door slam in the bunker and Sam's footsteps began pounding up the stairs.

"So, Sam is going to leave in a couple of days to go to some library in Follett Texas for research. Want me to show you some things then?" Dean asked before his brother came within earshot.

"I think I would like that." Castiel pulled himself away from Dean as he slammed the laptop shut when Sam walked into the library with another very large paper bag.

"Hope you guys like Chinese." Sam said as he sat down at the table across from his brother, handing paper wrapped chopsticks to each of them and pulling out the little boxes of food, setting them on the table as Dean ripped his chopsticks apart.

\---------------

Castiel had a hard time staying focused on any one thing the next few days while they waited for Sam to take off for Texas. He and Dean had talked a bit about what they were planning on doing, and they had agreed that since Dean had more experience, he should be the one to show Castiel the ropes.

Dean had expressed a slight discomfort with the Dom/Sub lifestyle, explaining he wasn't really interested in maintaining a relationship built on control, but more that he preferred the Top/Bottom concept of fulfilling a role for a scene. It made sense to Castiel, and honestly had more appeal than just being ordered around and expected to obey. He'd proven himself as being absolutely terrible at obeying orders anyway, so this sounded like a good option.

There had been a lot of scenarios they had discussed before they had finally decided on what they were going to do. Castiel was aware that what he had asked Dean to do to him was probably considered light by some, not having any actual impact of any kind, but he was nervous about jumping in too deep too quickly with what both of them had gone through.

He had told Dean about his reasoning and his concerns, and he had agreed that this was probably a good place to start out with so they could learn each other's limitations before they hit any landmines-as Dean had called them.

Part of him was concerned how having a scene was going to affect things between them in their relationship, and didn't want to disappoint Dean, but also didn't want to inadvertently make things uncomfortable for the two of them. Dean in return had promised that, in an effort to alleviate any awkwardness, he would discuss things openly with Castiel no matter how embarrassing, as long as Castiel promised not to laugh ever.

Castiel readily agreed, not that he ever would have laughed at him, and he wasn't even sure why he would have thought that.

Dean however, expressed concern how this would affect Castiel's recovery to rebuild his shredded grace, which, honestly was the last thing on Castiel's mind at the moment. Being that it was new territory for the two of them, on quite a few levels, Castiel had agreed to keep Dean informed of how he felt things were progressing while they experimented with this yet-again, new aspect of their relationship.

They had helped Sam pack up his car to leave for the library. Sam had planned on a day to get there, and a day to get back, leaving two days to research, though he said he would call if he needed to stay any longer if things went slowly like they sometimes did.

That left them with at least four days all to themselves.

After they had watched him drive off, Castiel followed Dean back into their room in the Bunker, where Castiel sat nervously on Dean's bed while he waited for him to grab something from the kitchen.

Nervous wasn't quite the right thing he was feeling now that he thought about it. This was more, anticipation. He was eager for what Dean was about to do to him. He felt the crotch of his pants become slightly less spacious as he thought about what they had discussed, and Dean really needed to hurry up in the kitchen.

Castiel wondered if he should be undressing while he waited for Dean to come into the room, but that was something they hadn't discussed. What if Dean had planned to undress Castiel himself?

He was beginning to suspect they should have discussed this in greater detail, but somehow, he hadn't been aware this would even be a factor. Castiel suspected that if Dean were to have just done these things to him, he would have been alright, but then there apparently was more potential for things to go south.

And he really didn't want things to go south with Dean. Sure the torn and tattered grace was the final straw that had driven him to confess his feelings toward Dean. It was even true that their relationship might not have taken this turn for the romantic if it weren't for his ulterior motive.

But now that they were together, Castiel didn't want to do anything at all to jeopardize how they felt about each other.

No, Dean hadn't said the exact words "I love you" during Castiel's initial confession, but he could feel it any time he was near the other man. He could see it when he looked him in the eyes. He could taste it every time they kissed. Hear it every time he called out a strained "Cas" in the throes of their passion. He could even smell it in how Dean's pheromones changed just slightly when Castiel walked into the room.

All of it lead to the irrefutable conclusion that  not only did Castiel love Dean, but that Dean loved him back, and he wouldn't do anything to risk what he now had with the man.

Which was why this uncertainty, suddenly felt like this anxious, raw exposed nerve, because of something so trivial as his clothing.

He fully realized it wasn't a deal breaker, he'd reminded Dean that the panties were just clothing, and this was not much different honestly.

"So I don't know what kind of aftercare you might need," Castiel felt himself startle just slightly as Dean mercifully-finally came into the room carrying a tray of things from the kitchen, setting it on the wall shelf by the bed. "so I have some water, some jerky and some of those peanut butter candy things you like, you know the ones that old people get all the time. I know you miss Peanut butter and Jelly too, so if you want me to make you one, just let me know and I will when we're done ok?"

"Ok." Castiel nodded in response.

Dean walked over to stand in front of Castiel where he was sitting on the bed. "Ready?" he asked as he ran his hands over Castiel's shoulders.

"Yes."

"Ok. I know it can pull you out of your subspace a bit, but I'll check in on you while we're going. All you have to do is give me Green, Yellow, or Red."

"I understand."

Dean leaned in to kiss Castiel before abruptly shoving him backward up onto the bed and crawling on top of him. Dean gripped Castiel's hand tightly in his own and stretched them above his head, legs hanging off the edge still. Castiel could feel his shoulders stretch, and his wrists press roughly into the edge of the bed as Dean applied pressure.

Inhaling sharply as Dean's mouth crashed into his, forcing his lips apart with his tongue as he explored his mouth.

"Don't move your hands." Dean ordered, as his grip released, hands traveling down to the buttons on his shirt, pulling them apart quickly. Hands ran roughly over Castiel's skin, and he had to fight the urge to pull his hands down to protect his chest.

"Don't move." Dean warned and he felt his heart rate elevate as Dean grabbed one of his hands and pulled off his sleeve. Fingers digging into his wrist as he shoved his hand back into place.

He held himself still as Dean's hands moved to his other sleeve, jerking it out from under him roughly as he was rid from his shirt entirely.

Large hands enveloped his again, squeezing tightly as Dean's lips pressed into his roughly.

"Ok so far?"

"Yes." Castiel grunted, straining against Dean's hands as they ground his wrists into the mattress above them.

"Good." He felt the other man's lips smirk against his cheek for a moment before pressing another gentle kiss into his face before pulling himself back.

"Don't move." Dean warned, lustful grin on his face as he stepped away from the bed entirely, pulling off his own shirt in the process. Lifting his head curiously, Castiel watched as Dean rummaged around in a duffel bag sitting next to the night stand.

When he came back, Castiel felt his heart begin to race as he saw Dean dangling a pair of hand cuffs from one finger. Dean set the cuffs on the edge of the bed before his hands gripped Castiel's belt roughly before giving a rough tug, pulling him down toward the edge of the mattress by his pants.

"Give me your hands." Dean ordered as he held out his hands expectantly.

Castiel lifted his hands from where they lay above his head and held them out in front of himself as he lay on his back. With a smirk, Dean quickly and expertly coerced Castiel's hands into the cool metal, locking first one wrist, then the other.

Castiel was beginning to understand the concept Dean had explained of 'headspace' as he felt himself begun to pull inward. He hadn't expected this so quickly though, but there was just something about the snap of the metal clicking shut on his wrists that just quelled the thoughts in his mind.

Dean's fingers gently tested the space around the cuffs before delicately pulling on them, presumably to check if they provided room enough for circulation while testing to ensure they would not slip off.

Something about the way he took care to check his work, and paused to lock the cuffs on their position sent a small slip of a tendril of something warm and tingly in his stomach. A small groan escaped his lips as he felt Dean's soul reach out and gently touch his grace in the process.

He looked into Dean's green eyes for guidance as he felt his body forced up to lay on the bed, helping slightly with his legs as Dean moved him into a more comfortable position on the bed, arms stretching above him once again above his head. He felt, more than heard the click of the carabiner as it snapped shut onto the chain between the cuffs.

Their lips pressed together again briefly as Dean twisted the lock on the carabiner shut.

"Ok. Time for the pants to come off." Dean said as he slid his hands down to his waist, pausing to flick at each of his nipples. The cry came out of his mouth before he could stop it and he gave Dean a dirty look in response.

Dean only met him with a sly grin turned devious as he began to remove his belt and then unzipping the fly of his pants. Castiel groaned as he paused to cup the growing bulge between his legs and involuntarily thrust into Dean's hand through the fabric of his underwear.

"Someone's impatient." Dean chided as he moved his hands away to pull away Castiel's pants and underwear, tossing them in a heap on the floor.

Castiel felt himself twitch as Dean dropped his pants on the floor as his eyes roamed over his now naked body. It really wasn't fair that Dean still had pants on, not like he could do much other than watch him right now anyway.

"You know what we talked about right?"

"I'm not allowed to cum until you tell me I can." Castiel huffed, definitely not satisfied with not being touched anymore after being teased.

"Good." Dean stepped back to the duffel bag and pulled out a blind fold which he slipped over Castiel's eyes.

Darkness enveloped his vision and he felt a brief moment of panic alone in his thoughts, not even able to see where Dean was. The last time he had been restrained like this, was at the hands of his Angel brothers and sister. He'd thought he would receive assistance when he had called upon them, but all he had received was treachery.

Even Hanna had been in on it, maybe was even her idea, all because they hated him so deeply.

On one hand he had deserved it, he had been the one to cause the events to unfold which would lead to the gates of Heaven being closed permanently, and eventually to the darkness being unleashed upon the world.  On the other, he had been deceived by Metatron just as badly as they had all been deceived by him. He felt guilty for all of it, but he still wanted in his very core to be able to atone for his actions. For a brief moment while they were digging into his flesh, he thought that could have been his atonement.

He had been wrong even in that.

"You ok with the blindfold Cas?" Dean's voice now concerned.

"Um?" Maybe Dean could bring him some kind of absolution in a different way.

He felt the blindfold push up slightly as light flooded back into his vision. It wasn't on long enough to light blind him, but he still squinted in the suddenness of the change.

"You sounded like you were in distress. I didn't even touch you yet." Dean's hand brushed against his cheek and he realized his pulse was racing. He didn't recall making any noise, but maybe he did. His perception of the world felt slightly different at the moment, so it was entirely possible he wasn't in exactly control of himself.

"Yeah. I think I'm ok."

This was Dean, not the Angels who hated him. They were right in one thing that day though.

He would always choose the Winchesters over Heaven.

He would always choose Dean.

Because Dean -was- his Heaven.

That knowledge was enough to start him down the path to calming down.

"You sure?" He chanced a look at Dean's beautiful green eyes and confirmed his thoughts.

"Yes." he closed his eyes with a sigh, and found Dean's lips meeting his once again.

"Ok. I'm here right with you the whole time ok?"

"Green means go right?" Castiel stated and Dean chuckled in response before he slid the blindfold back down to cover his eyes.

He felt Dean's hands rub his cheek for a moment before sinking down to his chest and rubbing circles around his nipples. Castiel forced himself to focus on the hands touching everywhere so he didn't get lost again.

He was pretty sure that might have been a landmine he was headed straight for, but Dean had caught him before it was too late.

"I'm going to flip you over onto your stomach." Dean said as he moved his hands to Castiel's hips.

Dean's fingers dug in slightly to pull to the side to turn him over, and Castiel helped as much as he could with the process. He noticed how the handcuffs didn't seem to pinch or press as awkwardly as he would have thought they should once he situated himself on his stomach. Dean must have used a swivel mount on the carabiner and chain under the bed to make things easier.

Pressure dug into his shoulder briefly as he shifted on the bed, and then moved to his hips as Dean tugged them up, shoving a pillow under to prop his ass in the air. Dean fussed with ensuring he was as comfortable as possible on his stomach for a moment longer, pulling pillows away from his face and shoving them where stabilization was needed.

His hands ran down his back gently massaging the muscles in his back, easing the strain in any tension he found.

His normal state of hyper-aware of all of his surroundings had begun to fade. He'd already voluntarily shut off his Angel-radio before they had started, leaving just the background noise of the Men of Letter's Bunker. From the slight drone of the ancient computer system always running in the background, to the hum of the florescent lighting in the hallways.

Now though, all he could focus on was Dean's voice and a strange buzzing from Dean's electric alarm clock which he hadn't noticed before.

Maybe it was broken?

He quickly decided he didn't care as he relished the feeling of the warm hands manipulating the muscles of his back, and those annoying sounds of the Bunker were slowly fading out of his perception.

Idly he supposed it was strange to analyze what he was experiencing, but abruptly didn't care again as Dean began cupping at his buttocks and kneading as he kneeled between his legs. Rough Denim dug and scraped at his thighs as Dean squeezed and pulled at the flesh of his rear.

A moan escaped his lips as Dean's hands pulled away, only to be replaced a moment later with slick finger working its way between his buttocks. Castiel couldn't keep back the  warble that escaped his lips as more cool liquid was poured over his anus. The moan that escaped was just as futile to hold in as Dean's fingers breached Castiel's tight ring and worked their way slowly and gently inside his body.

No longer aware of all of the places in the room, his attention began to draw in on himself, now only able to focus on the two of them.

"How are you doing?" Dean asked as he dipped a finger deep enough inside him to apply the briefest amount of pressure against his prostate.

Castiel could only moan a response. He was sure he was supposed to say something else, something he was supposed to remember, but all he could muster was a pant and grinding his hips backward onto the finger inside of him.

"That good huh?" Dean chuckled, realization finally dawning on Castiel as he remembered the word.

"Green" Castiel groaned in the affirmative as Dean slowly sunk in a second finger.

Lately Castiel had grown to appreciate touching himself lately while Dean fingered him or during intercourse. He even enjoyed watching Dean do the same to himself. With his hands bound though, he found himself growing rather frustrated rather quickly, and he began to tug on his restraints in an act of desperation to reach down and touch his own penis.

"What do you want Cas?" Dean asked as he struggled in his bonds.

"Touch it." Cas whimpered, forming the words taking up almost all of his effort.

"You mean this?" Dean asked as he reached down between his legs and began to stroke his swollen member.

"Yes." Castiel's' head rolled to the side with a groan as he finally got some stimulation other than the pillow.

All of Dean's stimulation was adding up, and quickly. The pulling on the restraints as tightly as he could. The fingers gripping and stroking as the pressure on his prostate increased. The feeling of Dean's rough jeans digging into the inside of his thighs by his knees. The way the head of his penis brushed against the soft fabric of Dean's pillow when his hand stroked him. The tension building in his muscles. The way his testicles were tightening and pulling up towards his body as he fell closer and closer to the edge.

"In time." Dean said as he cruelly pulled his hand away from his penis and paused his assault on his prostate, leaving him unsatisfied and wanting more though he was enjoying what he was receiving thoroughly. "Remember, no orgasm until I say so."

"Please." Castiel was not above begging.

"Tell me when you are close to cumming." Was all Dean said in response as he inserted a third finger.

Castiel's breath sped up as he processed what he was being told. Yes, they had agreed to this, but he hadn't quite grasped how frustrating this would be. That said, he was beginning to understand how delightful the frustration could be.

"I will." he said, trying his best to force his breathing slower to not hyperventilate.

Dean leaned against Castiel's back as he tried to collect himself. Rubbing small circles on his back with his clean hand, kissing his shoulders and the back of his head reassuringly. When he had regained control of his breath again, Dean shifted back behind his legs and reached down with his already lubed hand and pressed his three fingers in again.

Castiel moaned again at the welcome intrusion, feeling himself begin to fly high again as quickly as he began. These sensations together were much more than he could take all at once, and he grew desperate. He didn't know how much of this he could take and he felt himself quickly approaching orgasm again.

"Dean. I'm going to cum." he struggled for the words, but somehow he managed to get them out.

"That's it. Just like that." Dean pulled his hands away again, squeezing his buttocks this time kissing the small of his back.

A moment later though, the sensations began again, and he was groaning and writhing at Dean's touch. He wanted to be make him happy with him, but he worried that he was going to call it out too quickly and disappoint him.

The desire to follow the rules they had set for the scene overweighed his concern of telling him to stop just moments after he had begun again.

"Dean- I'mgoingtocum." he blurted, his mouth now dry as he fought back a sob building behind his throat.

"You are close aren't you?" Dean taunted.

"Fuck you." the words stumbled awkwardly out of Castiel's mouth before he had even realized what he was saying. Momentarily he was stricken at his outburst, unsure of what  Dean would do in this scene with him speaking out.

They had talked about how some in the Dom/Sub scenes would punish the sub for speaking out or disobeying orders. Though he was morbidly curious what that would entail, he was too scared to be denied his orgasm, he was so frustrated right now.

"Soon." Dean replied with a chuckle, again sparking that warm sensation that grew inside him. Ok sure they'd purposely decided that they were doing the Top/Bottom aspect of scening, but there appeared to be ways to incorporate Dom/Sub into a Top/Bottom scene. Granted they hadn't talked about that, so maybe, hopefully, Dean wouldn't push that one.

At least not right now.

Fingers dove deep inside him again as Dean's other hand resumed a steady pace stroking his erection once again.

"Fuck." Castiel cried out at the resumed onslaught of sensation.

"Hold your horses." Dean snickered as Castiel began to actually squirm under his fingers.

It wasn't until Castiel's nose began to tickle that he realized he had tears running down his face. Castiel didn't know how much more he could take, how much more Dean wanted him to endure. He was glad to give Dean whatever he wanted, but he was starting to wonder if Dean wanted to give Castiel what it was that he wanted.

He had thought Dean was his own personal Heaven, but he had been wrong. This was a slice of Hell, but he liked it, oh so much. Too much and it was going to be his undoing.

"Stop! StopStopStop!" Castiel called out, fearing he was too far to pull himself back this time. Dean pulled back immediately, gripping the base of Castiel's penis tightly and squeezing to deny any release.

Shrieking with the conflicting sensations and emotions, there was a brief moment where everything hurt badly with the pressure, but hummed with pleasure flowing through his whole body. The pending orgasm fell back with the tight hold at the base of his erection, willing it into submission, which he was grateful for.

"Please. Please Dean fuck me." he started begging as soon as he Dean's hand had fallen away from breaking his orgasm. His whole body wrack with sobs as his begging continued. "Please Dean. I need you inside me. Please. I can't- I can't do this anymore. I need you. Please. Fuck me. Please. I can't-" his words stopped coming out as he began sobbing uncontrollably, landmine rearing its ugly head again.

Emotions he never truly let himself process began to spill out with the frustration and desperation of needing release. He had lied to his best friend at one point. He had beaten his friend to a bloody pulp once after killing hundreds of copies of him when he was brainwashed. He had locked the gates of Heaven. It was even his fault that Dean even met Metatron in the first place, eventually leading to Dean becoming a demon.

Through all of that, Dean was still with him. Had saved him more than once. Had taken care of him when he fell from grace. Had welcomed him into his home when he had none. When nobody had welcomed him. Had driven himself so hard to remove the Attack Dog Spell that he had almost died. Had given so much of himself to put the pieces of Castiel- the ones that Castiel had smashed himself- back together.

But now here he was this time, letting Dean do the smashing. Patiently letting him dismantle him, knowing that when he did he would be better for it. Stronger somehow.

And he loved the man for it.

"Sshh. I got you." Dean soothed as he leaned forward onto him, stroking his hair and kissing his neck.

It was more than he deserved, but he was incredibly selfish, and he was growing to be ok with being selfish, because he was never letting go of this man now that he had him.

Well, not when he got his hands back anyway.

"Please." Castiel murmured, pleading with him to finally take him and put the pieces back together.

"Just gimme a sec" Castiel groaned as Dean extracted himself from his back as he rolled off to his side to finally, blessedly, mercifully remove his pants before climbing back on top of Castiel's back.

He groaned as Dean finally pressed into him, resuming kissing his neck as he thrust with abandon. Castiel pushed back on Dean as he thrust onto that sweet spot, straining on his restraints while Dean reached around and began pumping his fist around Castiel's nearly painful erection.

They quickly reached a desperate pace as they slammed their bodies together. Dean drove into Castiel's tight hole as he cried out in relief at finally getting Dean inside of him. Release promised to follow as he rammed inside of him over and over.

Castiel felt himself reaching the point of no return, and his body began to shudder and shake, crying out as he spilled over Dean's hand. Rear twitching on Dean's cock with every thrust. He held himself back onto Dean even as he came down from his much awaited orgasm to help the other man along

Dean's thrusts became erratic and frenzied as he too breached orgasm, unknowingly slamming Castiel's pieces back together. Castiel felt Dean still with a loud groan as he came inside him before his body went lax, kissing his shoulders, that same warm glowing sensation seeping back into his conscious as he felt Dean's soul reach out and touch his grace once more.

"You ok Cas?" Dean asked as he pulled out of him, kissing his forehead before sliding the blindfold up out of the way.

Castiel strained at the light as Dean reached up and twisted the lock on the carabiner and slowly lowering his hands as Castiel rolled to his side.

"Yes." Castiel couldn't help but notice the worried look on Dean's face as he removed the handcuffs and kissed the indents on his wrists.

"I was worried you were gonna safe word on me for a minute." Dean cuddled closer to Castiel, cradling him and holding him close to his chest.

"I might have called yellow, had you not finally relented and allowed me to ejaculate." Castiel had to admit though, as frustrated and desperate as he had been to have an orgasm, he liked how strong of an orgasm he finally had when he was allowed.

"What happened with that? I push you too far?" Dean asked concerned.

"I thought something that I shouldn't have." Castiel looked away, ashamed that he had almost ruined it. Dean just nodded in understanding.

"The things that happened before we fixed you?" Dean asked as he kissed his forehead for the hundred and somethingth time

"Yes." Castiel left simply, not really wanting to go back into it when he felt this high above the world.

"That was kind of my fault wasn't it? You were cursed because you tried to save me."

"I chose to save you from the mark. There is no fault Dean."

"Yeah, ok." Dean did not sound convinced, probably would take some time to convince him of it as well, so Castiel decided to change the topic.

"I really wanted you inside me." Castiel looked up at his lover and kissed him chastely on the lips.

"Good. I um- I think- I think next time we scene, we should switch though." Castiel's heart skipped when Dean's eyes met his with a shy smile.

"Alright. You will have to walk me through it." he nodded simply.

"I will later. Here. Drink this." Dean reached up to the shelf behind his bed and grabbed the bottle of water helping Castiel drink from it. When Castiel pulled the bottle away, Dean carefully wrapped a peanut butter candy from its wrapper and put it in Castiel's mouth.

He didn't have the heart to remind him that it tasted strange now with his grace back, but this kind of candy was one of the few things that was less disturbing to him. He'd found the more simple the ingredients, and the less of them there were, the easier it was to derive some sort of enjoyment from them. Besides, the crunchy texture of them was pleasing.

Besides, Dean had remembered what his favorites were, and that was important somehow.

"How's the grace?"

"Good." He found himself straining to remember the last time it hurt all of the time. Even now after the scene, he felt Dean's love bridge the link between the two.

Maybe he could get used to scening.

"What do you think of what we did?" Dean asked tentatively as he popped one of the candies in his own mouth.

"I think that turned out a little more intense than I was anticipating." Castiel had debated for a moment about lying, from what Dean had said, this was about trusting each other.

"Do you ever want to do it again?"

"Definitely."

"Good." Dean held out a piece of jerky to Castiel, but he was still working on the candy so he shook his head.

"So, I'm grasping at straws here for what kind of aftercare you need. What do you feel like you need from me right now?" Dean finally exclaimed, cheeks flushing again.

"Just this. Just you. Don't let go."

"Never." Dean replied as he pulled a blanket over both of them before holding him tightly.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not quite as fast as the last update, but still planning on keeping them coming.
> 
> What do you guys think of this one?
> 
> Any thoughts of craziness you'd like to see these two get themselves into? I mean I have a loose idea, but most of what comes to mind is just smut and porn. Porn and smut.

**Author's Note:**

> http://juxtarose.tumblr.com/


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